So don’t remember what happened in earlier times. Don’t think about what happened a long time ago, because I am doing something new! Now you will grow like a new plant. Surely you know this is true. I will even make a road in the desert, and rivers will flow through that dry land.                                                                       Isaiah 43:18-19

I have had moments in time where I thought, "Oh, I need a 60 second replay to keep this mess from happening." A moment of inattention that caused a car accident (before cell phones and email too!), a "funny" comment that caused pain where none was deserved, a forgotten appointment that meant more to someone else than I demonstrated it meant to me, a call not made, a note not written, an apology not made.

How much more challenging for the incarcerated person who has 24 hours a day, 7 days a week to rethink the series of decisions and lack of decisions that lead to so much pain, not only for themselves, but for folks who love them, are related to them by blood, marriage, shared children, shared parents. friends.  And what about the financial chaos stirred for those outside?  Without a relationship with God, how can they possibly survive all the time on their hands! All the thoughts in their heads! And as awful as replaying the mistakes they have made, the what-ifs, if-only's, thinking about the looming tomorrows is certainly no peaceful refuge.

So this verse is a good one to share with your loved ones because they are so desperately in need of hope, a real hope, a true hope that does not depend on the "fairness" or "compassion" of any earthly party   A hope that is available right now in any place or circumstance.  

Something has to change FOR THEM or just being released from prison or jail will not bring about a new outcome. We can model healthy change when we embrace love and hope and a new life for ourselves.

Why is it so important, even essential for us who are not in jail to change?

First of all, we model behavior that speaks louder than our words.  So if we want to encourage our incarcerated loved ones to make healthy changes in their lives, one of the best ways to promote that is to demonstrate changing ourselves.

Secondly, in the end we cannot change anyone else, but we can with God's help, change our own ways of responding to our circumstances.  Does a call from a facility result in the same conversation for the 20th time?  Do letters read like a litany of "poor me" complaints?  Has any of that changed anything?  So, if we keep doing what we are doing, we will keep getting what we've got!  Keep a note pad by the phone so you can have things to say that are hopeful, and kind.  If you are told, "I really don't like my GED instructor." can you be prepared to say, "I know this is hard and I am really proud of you when you keep working on what you can do to plan for a better life."  I know I too often wanted to coach, nag, fix, plan when what I really needed to do was be a cheerleader for each baby step.

Thirdly, you can live for another, you can live for yourself or you can live with purpose and love and joy and hope in any circumstance.  If you can't claim those things for yourself, how can your incarcerated loved one possibly consider that there is any hope for them.  But hope there is, because God is as fully present in prison as he is in the outside world.  As you experience this you will bring light into your own world and to your extended family of birth and choice wherever they reside.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud."*  This sounds so sweet on good days: weddings, graduations, even just a nice sunny day.  But if the days leading up to a jail or prison stay don't try our patience, then a journey through the legal system followed by incarceration will bring new meaning to the term "try our souls".  There is so much that is unknown.  There is so much to fear.  People who try to help, including families of birth, choice and church, often make things worse trying to solve a problem when they need to be supporting those enduring the experience.

In years leaning on Al-Anon I learned A BUNCH.  But the one thing that helped almost more than any other was to put into perspective all the "helpful folks" whose solutions were simplistic:  "I'd divorce him.  I'd renounce him.  I'd let her *ss rot in jail." or "Now we have to be nice. She's had such a hard time. Surely you can't ignore your own child/husband/mother/father/best friend/mentor/uncle/cousin/best friend's child!" Neither is helpful.  In fact it is really hurtful and distancing.

In six decades I have learned that almost always a rapid, extreme response is never the appropriate response unless dragging someone out of the way of an oncoming train!  If it is necessary to separate ourselves from the insanity of an incarcerated loved one, at what point would that be appropriate?  If you think, "You can't 'abandon' someone into jail or prison, then you tell me how to keep our children safe from the evil the jerk has brought to our family!"  I guarantee this is a question that keeps plenty of folks awake night after night.  There are no pat answers. If we try to keep our child from being hurt by an incarcerated parent, will we actually leave them longing so much for a relationship with that parent that they view risky behavior as romantic or heroic?  If we abandon a loved one, what message does that send?  

So let me recommend to you a determined and persistent CHOICE to respond with love:  Now love may say 'back away at least for a while because this situation is so dangerous."  Or love may say, "be faithful and write every week no matter what!"  (Of course using a P O Box or the address of a large church might be a smart way to protect your location.)  But always love says, pray for a 'right relationship' with your loved one and let yourself heal as you find the way that is right FOR YOU and your family as God guides.  

Loving God more is always safe, worthwhile and amazing.  The rest will work itself out.

*1 Corinthians 13:4

We are very excited about meetings hosted by the neighborhood Methodist Church at 54th and Blue Ridge Cut-Off on Thursdays each week 6:30 - 8:00 pm.  If you can come by, please do.  We start Thursday, September 4th so whether you will be stopping by for coffee with us or will be otherwise engaged, please support us in prayer as we meet weekly.

We are rookies at this, so please let us know your thoughts.  You can bring the kids and we'll set up a place for them to do homework or color where we can see them while we talk.  As we grow we will add baby-sitting.

Email for more information if you have questions or if you want to connect more privately than on the blog:         mailto:FamiliesSharingHope@gmail.com.

I am praying for all of us and look forward to meeting whether in person or electronically.  We share a common thread in our lives.  The situations and effects are unique to each of us and we respect that.  We will support you as you process the bumps and joys along the way.  You may say, "I know no joys" and I do understand that, but I hope you will remember that you do have control over A LOT of your life and we will be your cheering section as you experience wins and we will encourage you through the challenges...you  may even find both in the same situation.