I've been asked to give a talk on a subject that hits a bit close to home, which, just like this blog, calls me to be authentic and that requires an often painful honesty with myself.
You see, I am attracted to the idea of being a sincere and committed follower of Jesus Christ, but sometimes I'd just rather be comfortable -- you know, go to church, help out a bit, find a fun study group and then, filled with self-righteous complaisance go home and put my feet up.
Instead, the more involved I get the more I realize I have something to offer, that I can make a difference and the price is my self-satisfied, self-indulgence in things not all that important in the bigger picture. God has given me a life with so many blessings and I'd like to believe it is because I deserve it; but how can I be "better" or "more worthy" than the billions of people who live with far less comfort and options than I have?
Is is possible that I have been given more because I'm expected to do more? Not a very comfortable thought, but maybe not an unfair one.
God, O God, how narrow is my view and selfish my natural instincts. I'd like to do "enough" to be filled with pride in my "goodness," but I'm so afraid if I know You better, get closer to You, You are going to expect me to do more. Of course, when I do get moving and "do more" I am always blessed beyond expectation and drawn yet closer to You. So I don't know why I am inconstantly dragging my own puffed up sense of my "right to have it easy" around getting in the way of all the good things You have planned for me. Dear Lord, please help me get out of my own way. AMEN PS - Thanks for being so patient with me!