So I've been asked to give a talk on anger. Might this be because I have been sometimes called "fiery" or "passionate" or "strident"? Because heaven knows I have been all those things, sometimes being met with humor and tolerance, but at other times seeing eyes full of hurt and fear. So I've worked on that a lot. I'm still working on that.

Because here is where anger snags me way too often: Anger rears its ugly head when someone I love is doing something that is damaging to them or other people I love, like grandchildren. And if I do not have the habit of tossing all that promptly into God's able care, too often my fear-filled, angry words only add to the hurt, to both my own harm and as collateral damage to others.

It is so hard because sometimes it comes out of the blue with a snarky email or unexplained coldness or an angry retort I did not see coming, and before I know it I'm spewing self-righteous rage rather than seeking the words of peace that God offers me.

So I've thought rather a lot about this and here is what I believe:

I'm angry when I am frustrated or afraid. I'm old enough to understand the likely outcomes of foolish behaviors and I am so afraid I did not do a good enough job of raising my children or helping my family or being there for my friends. I'm afraid the shortcomings of others are somehow my responsibility.

I'm angry when I'm so full of sorrow and grief that I don't know where to put it. I really want to just go out in the back yard and lay down in the grass and stare at the stars and try to remember how to breath, but I don't have a back yard anymore and I'm pretty sure the Home Owner's Association has rules against such things.

I'm angry when I'm ashamed. Sometimes I do the most foolish and hurtful and dangerous things when I'm "all het up" and "in a tizzy". And seeking forgiveness for MY bad behavior is never much fun. Though it is probably a really good reminder to get off my high horse and keep my feet solidly planted on the path of forgiving others, because I am so in need of it myself, all too often.  

But sometimes I'm angry because I'm embarrassed when someone in my family, someone I love has behaved badly toward me and I slip into feeling I've earned being belittled or abused or taken advantage of, though I am in no way responsible for the anger or behavior of another. (Really, being responsible for my own errs is a big enough job for me.)

I'm angry when I don't live up to my own responsibilities, make mistakes, wish I had done something differently.

I'm angry when God is not doing what I want God to do, when I think my way is better than God's plan, when I expect my demands should be met because I'm so overwhelmed I just want God to FIX IT NOW.

I am angry because I don't know how to bear the pain, fix the problem, make things better, quit making things worse, and nothing feels OK..

So here is what I find helps me:  I speak or write my anger TO MYSELF (because letting loose of my tongue while I'm still flaming has never made any situation better). And while it is not wrong to BE angry, (even Jesus was angry at greedy behavior of people in authority), it is helpful to look at the anger to see what is standing behind it -- what is driving it. Because, sisters, so much of my anger is far more self-righteous than righteous. So I ask myself....

Am I afraid? Of what exactly? Are there steps I need take to be safer?
Am I overwhelmed by what is going on? How can I get a little space to calm my heart?
Am I angry because I let others down and myself too? Am I clinging to a sin God has long ago forgiven, but I'm still chewing on?
Am I angry with God? Have I told God about my feelings? (God is OK with that.)
Am I angry because I feel stuck and exhausted and hopeless?

Considering these things helps get my brain engaged and my heart treading water rather than flailing about, and my breath starts slowing (and if I've been mad walking, I start to slow down and realize my feet are hurting). And once I start talking to God about all my anger, I begin to remember that God has never deserted me or sternly demanded I "get it together." Instead, at all times God does wait patiently for me to lay my feelings (even the ugly ones) as an offering at His Feet. Yet in my anger I too often forget to start with God!

Because in the end, anger and its roots in fear, frustration, shame, embarrassment, self-condemnation, and loss of hope all are under God's authority. Unfortunately sometimes we get so familiar with such things that we are less than wholly willing to let them go. God helps with that too when we ask.

My mother told me that anger never leads to surrender, but exhaustion does. So it is God's blessing that God allows us to truly feel our anger and fear and frustration and shame and embarrassment and self-condemnation and loss of hope so that we can get tired enough of all to truly long to lay it down, allowing love the room to break through. Each bit of anger that we surrender creates room in us for God's abundant peace, allows us to embrace God's love, healing, hope and joy. 

Who is my family? Who is my neighbor? Who deserves my help?

I find a significant number of folks who believe in "taking care of our own," but that sounds more like "When I have all I want for me and mine, I'll worry about if lesser folks have what they need."

This is particularly troubling when we keep in mind that the poorest of the poor in this country have resources that would be abundant in many corners of the world where personal safety, personal dignity, and enough water and food are not abundant. If we drive through areas of our state or city or country that are flagrant in their need and we try to justify averting our eyes, who will not avert their eyes from us in our need? How much judgement and disdain will we heap on God's children and our neighbors, our fellow countrymen and fellow citizens of the world in order to justify our unsated and frivolous wants? Why are we so unwilling to forego the smallest "treat" or moment's diversion in order to ease the pain and suffering of another?

From the world, I understand this, because no amount of self-indulgence can fill our longing for love, acceptance and hope. But for folks who self-identify as followers of Christ but believe that having more "things" proves our value in God's eyes, I have to suggest in the strongest terms that you read that Bible, open your heart as you pray, and ask God to send you the Spirit of God that you might grow in wisdom and strength.

Because my Bible does not say anywhere that I have a right to unlimited "stuff" while others lack basic needs. Oh, I know! "When I get more I'll be more generous!"  "If I win the lottery, then I'll give a bunch." "Later when the kids are not so expensive, or when I've caught up on my retirement saving so I'm sure I and mine will have enough, or after my parents are dead it will be easier to help." But the truth is that if we fail to practice generosity in small things, that muscle will not be up to task "later" either.

How might you flex your "generosity" muscles today?

Those of us who were raised to always be nice and helpful sometimes have a challenge in believing it is OK to say no to anything except sex or fattening food. The idea that someone might ask us for help that we could in good conscience decline to provide feels like we are telling the stranded motorist at our door that they must go back out into the blizzard where they will die.

But I have learned (at least a little and with much initial pain but ultimately great joy) that saying "no" is often a kindness to all involved. A gift not freely given is really not a gift. If I "help you" but carp the entire time about what a horrible imposition it is and how stupid you are to need help and make it clear that you now "owe me big time" then is a poor and sad counterfeit gift. If I only help you because I am afraid I will loose your love or good will or business, that is a bad deal rather than a gift. If I am demanding from you often and giving to you rarely then that is not love or friendship or mutual kindness.  It is abuse. But is hard to change those terms of interaction and the longer that has been the norm, the harder is. But, baby, it is SOOOO worth it.

I've been thinking about how my transactions began to change and I believe it started when I was an adult and my mother encouraged conversations about this and recommended books about this as she began to do work in this area. Al-Anon meetings and materials helped. Christian friends who had evaluated prayerfully these issues in their own life modeled such peace and power operating from a base of security and love that it was rare for them to react in fear or thoughtlessly.

And a counselor once told a weepy me that I needed to be more pro-active than re-active. I sobbed, "I don't know what the means!"  She replied, "I realize that, but you are a smart and able woman, and once you start thinking about this you will get the hang of it pretty quickly!" I don't remember her name and I'm not sure it was "pretty quick" since I'm pretty stubborn. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized I did not want my children to grow up thinking they only had to be a responsible person if I was riding them. And I began to find the grace to be calmer (at least some of the time) when asking for what I needed, even when it made other people uncomfortable.

So when I read the book I have been musing about this week (Boundaries: When to Say YES and When to Say NO To Take Control of Your Life ) I found many things that were old friends and some excellent theology and some interesting new things to think about, and a thing or two I'm not so sure is that on-target. It has been a little hard on my family, neighbors and friends as we have had some challenges this week and they have found me confidently loving but standing solidly on my own values and working hard to stay consistent to my own understanding of God's Will in my life. I'm so grateful because, as Andy Stanley once noted, I don't think my kids, family, neighbors and friends really do not want me to change my values and purpose because they are a little stuck where I'm pretty sure they don't want to live.

It is not a fast fix -- this boundaries thing. But in the end I am the only person I have 100%, life-long responsibility over and, frankly that is a 24-7 challenge that frees me to love without expectation, embrace hope and joy, and grow more deeply in love with God and with the work God has provided for me. It is worth trying!

I'm always a bit confused about the confusion over what is "consent" on college campuses. With a group of young men and women who are sufficiently literate and motivated and funded to attend college, how is it that there is confusion over whether "no" means "no" or if it means "maybe", "yes", or justifies assault?

But as I have been reading about boundaries this week I have realized this is a very basic and important boundary issue. And the all too common lack of respect for boundaries in ALL areas of our lives leaves too many people of both genders believing manipulation and game-playing is the normal way to live. Many lives are being damaged severely both from sexual assault and from the use of the threat of claiming sexual assault in order for bullies to get what someone else does not wish to provide them.

Of course, the "wild west" attitude toward sex that equates "frigidity" or "up-tightness" with anyone who has a healthy body image supporting a valid and reasoned decision to forgo sex at any time and in any place with any one does not help. Neither do the number of pundits who have accused women holding political views that Deep Chopra or Madeline Albright and Vance Packwood do not espouse, saying "women do not know what is good for them." I'm grateful we already have the vote since I thought this nonsense had been debunked nearly a century ago!

So Shades of Grey not withstanding, both men and women have a right, and indeed a responsibility to use their assets responsibly, which includes not using comeliness or charm to push someone where they do not wish to go. And men or women who don't get what they want have the right neither to demand nor threaten when faced with "no".

But this is true in the rest of our lives also. It is inappropriate to threaten an employee who declines to follow a supervisor's instructions to act in unethical and/or illegal ways. It is inappropriate to manipulate a spouse or child, using intimate knowledge learned or shared in what should be a trust-based relationship. It is inappropriate to manipulate someone into volunteering for the PTA or a church committee. It is inappropriate to take advantage of a friend or relative's low resistance to scam them out of money, ask them to lie in order to "cover" or demand they "like" or "hate" someone else on behalf of another.

All this is really wrong: damaging to all involved and absolutely worth getting help to "reset" our boundaries and protect our boundaries in kind and firm ways. It is unrealistic to say "I will quit bullying when that person gets some gumption," and equally unrealistic to say "I will get better when someone gives me permission to do so." Find a counselor. Keep calling until you find a pastor who understands boundaries. Find a mature and able mentor. Find a group. Start a group with others working on boundary issues because it is SO much easier to identify when someone else is getting treated badly.

Learning to give what you can give without strings, conditions or expectations: it is a blessing without measure and absolutely God's desire for our heart. (That is, after all, how Christ's saving blood was shed: sufficient for all before anyone could even believe.) And as things get new and scary (and they will) God welcomes your prayers and longs to help you find your foundations and boundaries so that giving can become a joy rather than a duty, or worse, part of a pattern of abuse.

Tomorrow:  They say I'm crazy and this feels a lot scary!

Musings upon reading: ​Boundaries: When to Say YES and When to Say NO To Take Control of Your Life (See BOOKS tab above.)

In healthy relationships boundaries abound. We check with our spouses before we commit to volunteer or social events. We coach the doctor to speak to our parent rather than over their head at us when discussing medical issues related to the parent. We discuss options with our child before we assume that baseball or violin lessons are as appealing to them as to ourselves. All relationships have challenges, but respecting (non-presumed boundaries) are good ways to keep things moving along at a healthy pace. Seeking consensus over compromise can only happen with both good communication and respect for boundaries.

But when our marriage or business relationship or friendship or parent-child relationships leave us exhausted, lonely, frustrated and joyless, boundaries are the first thing to check. I do not believe any relationship is consistently 50-50, but running on 90-10 gives one side too much power and leaves the other side too little consideration. Many bullies are built rather than born because one person wants things "perfect" and the other wants to be "perfectly helpful" even though there is generally little communication about how to help everyone get more of what they need: their cup filled with love, respect, purpose, hope. These are things that God gives us, but also being created "in God's image" they are things we should feel safe sharing freely with those we love and trust.

Boundary checks are definitely a fitting response to being told (1) how we should feel, (2) how "all good people" would act, (3) how we "always", "never", "have not ever", "have always" have done, said or acted (because we nearly never "always" or "never" anything), (3) how other people perceive or value us, (4) how it is not our business to request a calm and at least somewhat clear and specific ideas of what the other party thinks might make things better, or (5) having someone demand something from us that feels unsafe, unfair, unreasonable or impossible.

If I may borrow from the Serenity Prayer, I would suggest that boundaries are what separate what we can change or affect in positive ways and what do not have the authority to affect in positive ways and the power is in learning to identify the difference. We can not make our (insert family, friend or agency here) be "better", "fairer", "healthier", "kinder", "wiser", et al. We can control our response to them, hold them in the best regard that we can manage or learn, and refrain from intentionally harming them. But we can not "fix them". That is absolutely, utterly and totally God's business except in the limited and narrow situation where we are guardians for children or frail adults and even then our capacity to assist is limited by the capacity of the ward to receive aid.

Now, we have full permission and God encouragement to seek God's help in working to make OURSELVES better, fairer, healthier, kinder, wiser, et al. And, frankly, I have found that to be a full-time job that must be attended to faithfully even when I am seeking to be God's helping Hands and Feet.

Where are you in relationship to the fences in your family, with your friends, at your job, in your community? Owning what you can positively affect and laying down what your can not positively affect makes an amazing difference in our joy, our peace, our energy, our ability to freely accept and give love and our ability to respond to those gifts that God lavishes on us to the degree we are willing to accept them.

Tomorrow:  Do words matter?

Musings upon reading: ​Boundaries: When to Say YES and When to Say NO To Take Control of Your Life (See BOOKS tab above.)

Raising kids, working, going to school, being a good citizen, being a good church member, helping aging parents...sociologists sometimes define this as the Sandwich Generation, because it feels like we are being pulled in a 100 different directions and all seem "good" and saying "no" seems bad, selfish, mean-spirited or many other terms that others and we ourselves use to bully others and ourselves into behaving in ways that are often truly far from kind or generous.

Too often we let the World tell us what we should or should not do and often that message is "Don't do anything you don't want to do." Of course, a quick review of what hedonism (the pursuit only of our own desires) grows in families and communities should make all folks rethink that as a goal. But, alas, it does not.

And we also let others tell us how we should feel, think or act, even though we are adults and have a responsibility both to make our own choices and to live with the consequences of our choices. Few of us insist on the consequences part, so if someone else is stealing our learning opportunities it takes great wisdom and strength to break free of those velvet handcuffs.

But this being a grown-up, taking responsibility for both the right and wrong choices, standing on our own feet and learning how to do that better over the years; and it looks mighty unappealing in the eyes of the World. And, too often churchy people and self-help guru's who don't have their own lives in order, find it much easier to tell others how to do and be rather than do themselves.  

And please understand that I have no illusions about how much easier it SEEMS to let ourselves be buffeted by others until finally we would rather be wrong that to keep being babied and therefore paying the price for the errors of others. At least if I'm paying for my truly own mistake I have the opportunity to learn a better way for myself!

So this is the boundary in a nutshell: claiming what is rightfully my business and releasing what is rightfully not my business and honoring what is and is not rightfully someone's business empowers us to use our muscles where it can best help us become what we long to be. I found it helpful to think of a three foot by three foot square that I claimed as "Me-city" where I am the major, the chief of police, the principal, the business owner, the business worker, the learner, the parent, the child, the adult, the person who has needs, the person who wants to help those in need. When I keep my values and ethics respected in "Me-city" then I have perspective and power and permission to look outside the city limits and see where I might be helpful based on the gifts and abilities I have and being willing to be uncomfortable but only unsafe when I am absolutely convicted that God is sending me into the danger. And I can only do this when I remember how embarrassing and painful it was when people tried to force their "help" on me in ways that were more about their need to fix than my need for detailed supervision.

Simple in some ways, but definitely not easy. I'm certain that a lot of people are right now thinking of things that need fixing in others that can not possibly be fixed with out their help. I've been there many times and I've been wrong every single time. It is not even about waiting to be asked for help, because sometimes folks have not taken care of their own business but still expect me to put myself at risk to make their situation easier. As a former financial planner I often worked with parents who were financially only "just" OK if they were careful to plan and execute good spending strategies, yet felt guilty when a child demanded they make mortgage or car payments for them because the adult child had been "unlucky" and not planned for the normal and common broken appliances or lost jobs or compulsive spending that all families experienced from time to time (or more often if they consistently make bad choices).

I've been (briefly) involved with charities who fell prey to the temptation to use shady strategies to get people to "do good things" without ever considering the financial or moral consequences of failing to care about the donors as much as they care about the "cause" -- or their own prestige or paychecks.

I hope you are beginning to understand that we can "try to do right" and still get it very wrong if we are not paying attention. And the most unfortunate thing is that we often burn out, demonstrate stingy giving to our children and become deeper and more mired in anger, depression, exhaustion, self-righteousness and a lot of other things that are never God's plan for us. If you feel you have been painted into a corner (or better yet if you suspect you've helped paint yourself into a corner), there is a better way; there is hope; it is possible to be both generous and full of energy and peace! 

God has a better way and is longing to help us get with God's Program!

Tomorrow:  When do we need boundaries?

Musings upon reading: ​Boundaries: When to Say YES and When to Say NO To Take Control of Your Life (See BOOKS tab above.)

Sometimes I want to turn off all media from radios and TV to Facebook and cellphone chats. Even individual conversations seem to have been taken captive by the snappy retort:

Give until it hearts. 
No pain no gain. 
If I'm doing the right thing i should have no sorrows, conflicts, problems.  
You should ... 
I aught to ...
They have no right to ...
My sympathetic compatriot, right or wrong, (and if I offer a different perspective I'll be shunned so I won't).
Avoid pain at all costs.
Pay anything for (insert here "safety", "peace", "friends", "love", "security", "pleasure," et al).
Avoid risk at all costs.
Risk anything for (insert here "safety", "peace", "friends", "love", "security", "pleasure," et al).
If it "feels good" I'll do it (and if it does not really feel good, I'll just try doing more of the same painful thing and getting more bad results until I consider doing something different).
If it "feels bad/uncomfortable" it can't be good .... dental work? chemo therapy? sobriety that leads to healing? 

Too often we do not examine our choices, our options, our assumptions, our beliefs, our responsibilities, our outcomes, the effect of our choices on those we love, our job choices, our educational choices, our family choices, our housing choices, our budgeting choices, our entertainment choices. We just drift along, sometimes with good outcomes and other times being surprised when failure to notice our surrounding results in some pretty crumby stuff to clean up.

Sometimes we feel overwhelmed by taking responsibility for ourselves and in some families we have not seen how that works or how it can be beneficial because "taking responsibility" can be double-speak for "taking control of others" and can be dangerous where families and/or communities punish efforts to be personally responsible.

So if we lack a trustworthy road map or are just beginning to consider that we might have options we have not recognized, a good place to start is to consider if we are working where we have authority.

I mean this: if I spend much of my time and resources trying to fix a lot of other people or even one person who I feel superior to because I am their parent or child or smarter or stronger or more righteous than they or any other reason, then I do not have appropriate time, resources and focus to take proper care of my own responsbilities.  If my house needs the trim painted and I'm next door yelling at my elderly neighbors that they need to do a better job of weeding then it is clear: I'm not putting my energy where it is helpful either to my own needs or theirs. If I tend to my responsibility to care for my own house I'll probably be so delighted with my nicer looking house, I might even do a little (kind) weeding for my neighbor.

So often when I'm wanting to "fix" those I love I find upon closer inspection that I am the one who is feeling frightened or lonely or bitter or frustrated or angry or hungry or tired or far from God. And this is the amazing and delightful part....God has given me authority over all of those things: my feelings, my actions and my willingness to quit fighting God are all my very own to embrace or change or discard. Of course, I then may be living with consequences that I do not enjoy, but still the choices remain -- to continue doing what is not working or to embrace something new that might be better for me. And, of course, I may find that a new choice is leading me in healthier, more hope-filled and empowering ways (even though they are not "easy" ways which rarely bring anything good). 

So learning about boundaries helps us frame our challenges and choices in far more powerful ways than slogging along trying to convince everyone else to make us happier or wealthier or better or in less pain or filled with less fear.

Tomorrow:  If this is familiar, there may be a God-approved way to restore the joy of giving of ourselves, but it requires US to change some things first.

Musings upon reading: ​Boundaries: When to Say YES and When to Say NO To Take Control of Your Life (See BOOKS tab above.)

As someone who passionately embraces the power of words, I must confess that I get frustrated by people who use words to harm. And I am particularly frustrated by folks who respond to a calm statement that words have caused pain, with "O, you know what I mean/meant!​" further injuring by denying the right of the person injured to express the distress!

Unfortunately we find these folks in our families, churches, workplaces, merchants, retirement homes, schools....just about anyplace people are because there is so much manipulating going on. The result is we all have to deal with unhappy people who either expect to demand we agree with them or who seem to be utterly unable to stand up to folks who treat them badly. And too often folks are convinced that they are not bullies, just people who are working to get things done right and other people think they must accept being treated badly because it is the "Christian" thing or the "nice" thing to do. Then they wander off wondering why folks "get testy" with them and distance themselves from them. But watching bullying behavior, especially with no authority to intercede makes everyone in the area uncomfortable!

But this is not the way God created us to live. Getting rid of some words and using other one's with awareness and attention can help everyone have less anxiety.

I think we can get ride of "should", "ought", "must", "never", "always" and similar words that are so commonly used to beat both ourselves and others of God's children over the head like a club. We can own our own feelings and express our needs calmly and clearly and we can use lot's more "I" as in "I feel", "I need", "I want" rather than "You make me feel", "You need to" "You must" -- but be careful not to slide into the "I need you to" etc.

A very wise women recently shared a phrase that works well for her when dealing with demands, expectations and challenges: "I don't have that to give you now." Time, money, emotional support, attention are all things that people tend to request and even demand without noticing the appropriateness of the request and this has been quite successful in politely declining to play.  

When we have good boundaries, we don't need to get angry when people crowd us or demand from us what we are unwilling or unable to give. This is the responsibility of adults: to think seriously about our personal values, priorities and resources and defend our prayerfully and thoughtfully developed goals and plans. In truth, this allows us to be more generous because we are investing our time and treasure wisely so we can give more over the long-run and to causes that truly warm our heart and are consistent with our purpose and values.

​So if your worlds are causing pain, work on that. If other people's words are causing pain, please believe that it is not your job to help them behave like a bully. It is rather like a particularly menacing dance where either partner can change the steps, and there will be some stumbling and anxiety, but in the end things only get more out of kilter until someone finds the courage to make a change.

Tomorrow:  Is it selfish or unkind to protect our boundaries?

Musings upon reading: ​Boundaries: When to Say YES and When to Say NO To Take Control of Your Life (See BOOKS tab above.)

I enjoy writing this blog. I've been writing with nearly daily persistence for two years until a month or so ago when I just did not have much to say. My most persistent desire in writing is first and foremost to "do no harm" because I have myself been harmed by people who thought they were helping while inflicting rather a lot of pain.

That does not mean I don't understand that some of the things I have learned (with much pain, wrestling, and trial and error) are hard to hear or difficult to reconcile with the messages either of the World or of those "church" people who are inwardly focused and feel they must have everything conform to their own understanding in order to feel safe.

But the more non-conventional my understanding, the more carefully I tread. I also remind folks, no matter what commentary or blog or comments you are reading, always do so asking God for discernment and wisdom and don't get hung up on one small thing that feels "off" to you. I never claim to write by the inspiration of the Spirit of God, only to be trying to be the worker bee using the talents God has given me in ways that are His.

So a time of sporadic writing resulted recently, not because I could not find something to say, but because I was not finding anything worth the risk of spewing my own words rather than being patient and humble in trying to find words pleasing to God. 

Now, today I'm excited about a new area of pondering that is giving me some ideas on how I can help the women and men who volunteer in my areas of prison ministry. We have this common problem in prison ministry: on the one hand we have very kind, wanting-to-help kinds of folks who need to be very clear about how they can help and how they can't help and how to stay on their own side of that equation. And on the other side we have a large population of folks who are frequently very experienced in (and sometimes unaware of) their habit of ignoring or not respecting
boundaries. Ironically, in prison where we think of the concrete and concertina wire and bars that form extreme boundaries, personal boundaries are all too frequently breached with impunity as part of a compulsion to control the being or personhood of another.

So for those of you who like to "study ahead" I'm adding the new book to the "books" tab above. Over the next several days (assuming I stay in God's zone on this) I'll be writing about how often we fail to truly honor those we love the most when we fail to keep our support on the "praying side," honoring their personal space, their right to learn from mistakes (that sometimes we realize later are not mistakes from God's larger perspective) and to be more God-like in our relationships in general....you may be surprised by what I mean by that!