Some years ago I was a widow caring for my mother-in-law who had been diagnosed with dementia of the Alzheimer type. She wore me slick. She was bowed over and crushed by a life-time of hurts and fears. Fifteen minutes with her and I was ready for a two hour nap, something that was rarely possible with my busy life as a working single mother. Her fear was palpable and destructive. When my teenage son visited she would cling to his arm and weep and plead to be taken home with us, something that was unsafe for us all. I longed to protect my son from this sorrow and watching him fight tears (so important to a teenage male) and struggle to deal with it all, I was deeply angry. My loyalties and ideas of ethics were stretched and assailed by her family members who longed to second guess everything I did, wheedle possessions and money out of her and encourage me to do the same. My family was frustrated that I had less time for them. She had had many limitations as my husband's mother and, frankly, I was still mad about that too. No matter what I tried to do to make things as pleasant as strokes and nursing homes can be, she was constantly unsatisfied, and angry. I often drove to and from her location pleading with God to give me love for her. It did not help that time spent dealing with her challenges reduced the amount of time with my own beloved mother whose health was failing steadily.
One night I had promised to come by after work, but a project needed revision and I could not get to the nursing home until after dark. By 7:30 pm her roommate was asleep and she was tucked into bed with the light on, waiting for me when I slipped into her room and settled myself on a chair by her bed. I thought how lonely her life was with her only son dead, her husband dead, one brother dead, one far away, and one in very poor health. I took her hand and asked what she was thinking about and she caught me by surprise when she said, "I was thinking about Mother's Day when you drove so we could go to lunch at Union Station. And I've been thinking about my step-granddaughter who came all the way here so we could all see the bear exhibit and have lunch." I was still and amazed, because it was wholly new to hear her speaking of gratitude and positive things in her life. And I thanked God for reminding me that when I act with integrity I am not guaranteed of knowing the positive outcomes, but that day I had been blessed to learn that part of her inner life included some happy memories; some part of my kindness had helped even when she so rarely spoke of any positive thing.
1 John 4:18 reminds us that love drives out fear. Unfortunately, when I'm clinging to the fear and anger, I don't have much room for love to get a foothold. So it is God's pleasure that I ask for God's help.
And sometimes, like this night, God even gives the added blessing of seeing a bit of the good God has used us to create.
One night I had promised to come by after work, but a project needed revision and I could not get to the nursing home until after dark. By 7:30 pm her roommate was asleep and she was tucked into bed with the light on, waiting for me when I slipped into her room and settled myself on a chair by her bed. I thought how lonely her life was with her only son dead, her husband dead, one brother dead, one far away, and one in very poor health. I took her hand and asked what she was thinking about and she caught me by surprise when she said, "I was thinking about Mother's Day when you drove so we could go to lunch at Union Station. And I've been thinking about my step-granddaughter who came all the way here so we could all see the bear exhibit and have lunch." I was still and amazed, because it was wholly new to hear her speaking of gratitude and positive things in her life. And I thanked God for reminding me that when I act with integrity I am not guaranteed of knowing the positive outcomes, but that day I had been blessed to learn that part of her inner life included some happy memories; some part of my kindness had helped even when she so rarely spoke of any positive thing.
1 John 4:18 reminds us that love drives out fear. Unfortunately, when I'm clinging to the fear and anger, I don't have much room for love to get a foothold. So it is God's pleasure that I ask for God's help.
And sometimes, like this night, God even gives the added blessing of seeing a bit of the good God has used us to create.
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