Lay your head down tonight
Take a rest from the fight
Don't try to figure it out
Just listen to what I'm whispering to your heart
‘Cause I know this is not
Anything like you thought
The story of your life was gonna be
And it feels like the end has started closing in on you
But it's just not true
There's so much of the story that's still yet to unfold

Steven Curtis Chapman"s  "The Glorious Unfolding"

In my early college days as an English major I remember well the lecture on the question: "Do all plots mirror Shakespeare?" I think the answer to that is that Shakespeare mirrored all playwrights before himself.

There are only so many plots, and I'm not just talking about Zombie movies or soap operas. No matter how the pig is dressed up, the human condition just hasn't changed that much. Please understand that I am not without a broken heart for children living with civil war, no water, Ebola, AIDS, no home, too little food.  I am just saying that we are all struggling and at least that is a visceral, honest sort of horror with obvious needs like food and water. But each of us has challenges, terrors, anxiety, fears, tears and I believe that sometimes the less obvious the form of suffering the more debilitating it can be, the more overwhelming.

A friend from high school spoke of loosing both of his sons in a short period of time, one in an accident and one murdered. He said the pain was so great that sometimes all he could do was lay in the back yard and keep breathing. I suspect he went to work, ate, drank water; he may have even made it to church and survived funerals. But when he was not doing the minimum to exist he had not even the energy to sit and look at the evening sky.  He could only lay down alone and weep and ache.

Eventually he was able to move forward, resume family relationships and be more focused on living than on wishing he could be released from the need to do so.

So if this is one of the "lay in the dark night alone and weep" times, remember this is not the end. It is simply a season for sorrow and you can freely embrace your sense of loss with confidence that it is not a forever feeling.  If you are breathing, God has purpose for you and promises in Job 11:18 "You will be secure, because there is hope; you will look about you and take in safety." You will notice God did not say this would happen by next Tuesday at 10. 

God has not abandoned you. Feeling sad is not a sin; it is a season. As you begin to raise your eyes you will not have to look for God because you will find God has been there all the time. But for now, grieve freely as you have need.

Promise Without Forgetting

How many times do I agree to do something just to get people to quit asking?  It takes a strong commitment to honesty to avoid this trap. I think I got really bad about this when my children were toddlers who are the best marketers in the world.  They just don't take no for an answer.  If they accept the no today, they will be back asking again tomorrow. And for a toddler that is important because without the constant reminders to help them expand their world I would have been a far less able parent.

But in dealing with an incarcerated loved one, I have been guilty of promising to get a letter off "today" and realized a few days later that what I promised got lost in the business of life.  I can justify it. I can understand all too well how easily it happens. But as I began working in prison ministry I came to have a stark understanding of what that means for someone shut off from the world. (Better, an honest, "I don't know if (or when) I can get to that, but I let you how I am progressing on that."--and then do.)

So some folks think it is odd I am so particular about not promising what I can not (with God's help) deliver, even in small things.  But kids and the incarcerated notice and that helps keep me honest.

Maybe today there is a note you need to write, a call you need to make, an amends you need to address, a donation you need to deliver that is grating on you to be done.  Do it today and enjoy the blessing of being the hands and feet of God as you fulfill a hope and a yearning for a fellow child of God. If you feel overwhelmed by all that is not done, start with one and thank God for that being done.

It is the beginning of claiming this joy for yourself!

Delayed hope makes one sick at heart, but a fulfilled longing is a tree of life. Proverbs 13:12

9  Forgive without punishing.

In my family some folks did not believe this.  I’m not saying they were not Christians, but Christians don’t ever get it all totally right on this side of Heaven and unfortunately I saw first-hand how not working on this causes even more trouble for the forgivor than the forgivee. Oh, it is perfectly awful to be the person seeking forgiveness because nothing is ever settled.  At any time the shadow of an earlier error could fall upon any current negotiation.  Call me a liar and you have described my condition; correct my error and I am empowered to make a different choice. As I look back it must have been exhausting to keep a running record all the time, constantly expecting the worst of us all, and almost certainly of themselves.

I observed how this leads to a hierarchy of sin, if you will.  There are the terrible sins of others and the white collar sins of my own.  Of course, that is not in scripture anywhere I have found. It is instead a human rationalizing of my personal way of sinning so I can hide my genuine need for God under a bushel of other people’s shortcomings. I agree that murder and mayhem is horrid.  But so is taking away dreams and stealing trust and telling the biggest lie of all…that God has favorites.

The most effective parenting for me was a concerned and loving parent spending time with me to explain where I went wrong, what alternatives might have been better and how concerned they were that I learn to avoid problems of my own making. They invested their time, energy and love in walking with me.  Unfortunately, I was the child that had to learn all lessons for myself, at least twice. But still today their wise and kind counsel comes to mind when I have a challenge to address. And mostly I don’t remember those days when they were not on their best game which happens to us all. But the older I get the more I am convinced that Colossians 3:13 is dishing out solid advice when it says “bearing with one another and if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you so you also must forgive.”

Now please don’t use this as an excuse to not deal with abusive or dangerous or illegal situations in your life.  Don’t buy your abusive boyfriend or child a gun for their birthday. Don’t let people run money through your bank account. Don’t share private information with people who even might use it to abuse someone physically or financially.  None of that is what we are talking about here.

This is about truly letting go of all the garbage attached to being wronged.  You know, the fear it will happen again, the feeling stupid, the embarrassment, and even the self-righteous feeling of being better than someone else. We all deal with that, even if we don’t want to acknowledge it.

But God forgives, accepts, corrects, loves and restores us; that is an amazing, awe inspiring experience that teaches us, slowly and bit at a time how to share that with those who trample on our feelings or even cause us loss or pain.  It is the beginning of a new paradigm: what is absolutely the most important thing for us?  Too often it feels like the most important thing is to “get our own back” and protect ourselves and getting even. But all that takes energy better spent in freeing ourselves from all the garbage. 

#8  Trust without Wavering.

For those of us that have an incarcerated loved one, this can be pretty complicated. We often have a poor understanding of how boundaries work, and that is very important. Because it is not trust if we are putting up with dangerous or illegal or just plain wrong things because we are too scared or too confused to have a value system of our own to be the foundation of a good life. 

God knows this. From the Old Testament until today God has a fool-proof plan for establishing that basis.  God started by giving us a conscience, then God gave us an outline of the main points (called the Ten Commandments), then God sent Jesus to give us access to a clean slate just for the asking, then the Spirit of God came to be our constant guide and mentor.  That is powerful and important and reliable information that is the basis for a better life in the here and now. Even more importantly, it is how we build a trusting, growing, joyous friendship with God and God with us.

This is why this is important for us in dealing with our loved ones.  The legal system is a mess.  It seems often to mostly resemble the school in the movie and book Matilda but there is no magic available to remedy the problems. Jails and prisons are filled with untrustworthy people. Our loved ones have themselves behaved in untrustworthy ways in order to land in jail. They have seen us fail the trustworthiness quiz in our flawed, human lives.  So they have as much trouble trusting everything as we have trusting them…all with good reason.

So it is crazy powerful when we limit our promises to them to what we can actually do…with God’s help. If we are wracked with fear, overwhelmed by our new normal, without hope, without faith and try to fake it…they know it and we know it and all the world feels like sinking sand. But when we trust God in our own lives, then we can grow in wisdom and knowledge and strength and walk that with our loved ones.

This is one exercise that benefits everyone as we learn: to not be manipulated and to not manipulate, to speak truth gently, to have ourselves balanced so we are steady when we offer a hand up and to be always encouraging in honest and helpful ways.

Love puts up with all things, trusts in all things, hopes for all things and endures all things. 

                                                                                                                                                   Corinthians 13:17 (CEB)

#7  Enjoy without complaint.

I’m not sure if I have more difficulty with the enjoying part or the not complaining part, but it seems I rarely balance this efficiently.

Especially when there is fear and chaos in our families it is a challenge to remember to enjoy all the good that is ours every day: sunrise, morning routines, daily responsibilities, food choices, family interactions, work interactions, quiet times, busy times, bedtime all interspersed with a flower, a breeze, a scent, a laugh, a shared tear, a hug, a kind word given, a kind word received, options, prayer, Scripture, a goal progressing, a mistake corrected, a wrong addressed.  Some days I feel it is all too much, but when I look closer there is always something good to choose, to do, or to enjoy.

But I fight that bad habit of declaring things “not good enough”.  I cared for an older family member who had the worst habit in this area.  If she had been on a trip and I asked how it was, the answer was always, “Fine, but…”  Same thing for outings and dining out and family visits.  It got so bad she actually told her long-time girlfriends to not visit her because she was mad they had a better life than she…and believe me, they did not!  But it gave me an effective tutorial in how this “not good enough” thing turns out!

So, for today at least, I will look for the good things, the funny things, the joyous things and I will not pick them apart until I suck all the joy out.  At least for today I will find 10 things or 50 things or 100 things that are a blessing in my world.  I might even thank God for something that seems pretty icky, because I know God is not capricious or mean or uncaring…not ever--so I can trust that the icky thing is not without purpose and give thanks God already is in charge of how it will all work in my life.

Do everything without grumbling and arguing.  Philippians 2:14 (CEB)

#6  Share without pretending.

I think this way of loving is one of the most difficult and one of the most powerful.  For me it is a life-long journey to try to get this right. But, then, I’m an eldest child and have a long history of trying to tend my younger siblings even before I had children of my own. And culturally women learn very early on to work hard at “making it right.” So maybe it is not so surprising that I got off on a wrong foot here.

But somewhere I started waffling between angry honesty and wimpy “white lies”.  Let me tell you, it has been much better for me to aim for the middle ground of tactful candor.  The only way I can get even close is to doing that is, getting myself as far away from fear, judgment and control as I can, with God’s help, achieve.  (Without help I’m a complete failure on this!)

So how does God help? First, I can stand on God’s promise that I am not required to be charge. Second, I am assured that God loves everyone else as much as God loves me (or as my Mom used to say, “God does not have grandchildren”…it may not have been original to her, but she reminded me of that often enough that she truly made it her own.) Thirdly, things go better for the ones I love if I can leave them a clear field in which to be intercepted by God…which does not mean I don’t tell them of my concerns, but I can gently say my piece, respecting their adulthood and letting God have the final word.

Slowly I have learned that my anger does not make anything better, especially if it attaches to a person. The person hears my anger and goes into defensive mode, thereby missing the valuable and important information I want to share with them.  OK, so maybe it would be more honest to say I want to be in charge, there still might be a useful bit in my rant if only I don’t rant when I say it.

I recently heard this definition of co-dependent behavior:  I am co-dependent when I care more about changing a situation than the people directly involved.  Ouch.  Yup, that’s me all too often. I think that is what this way of loving is all about: be gently honest without pretending I have all the answers or even know all the questions, without pretending it can’t get better in any way but my way, without pretending that God is not truly both in charge and infinitely better at all this than I can ever be.

So I am free to love, encourage, coach (when asked), pray and work on being a better role model and I understand that is not quitting because I am mad or giving up because I’ve tried my best.  It is a choice to do the right thing rather than the familiar thing with the help of God.

Instead, by speaking the truth with love, let’s grow in every way into Christ.  Ephesians 4:15

#5 Answer without arguing.

I wonder how many families with an incarcerated loved one manage this on their own. Dealing with all the chaos, stress, fear, frustration and relentlessness of the journey to and through incarceration is emotional...to the same degree that the Sun melts chocolate. Sometimes I have found myself being angry with and arguing with someone who was agreeing with me. I have interpreted silence in the mirror of my own fears and sense of defeat. I have been infinitely willing to argue.

And I have come to believe that much of this is driven by a reactive reflex. I remember well the first time this was suggested to me, that I was reacting rather than acting and I wept through the tears that I did not know what that meant. The counselor, whose name unfortunately is lost to time, said, “I know, but you are smart and you will get it.” And, by baby steps, I did learned what she meant.

For me that means to think before I acted. (Like my Dad had not been preaching that since my birth!) But as I looked dispassionately at the part I was playing in the chaos of my life, I started to understand that working harder on impulse control and considering the possible consequences of my actions might be in order. So I began to ask God for help in making changes in my life. And, guess what? God said, “I've only been waiting for you to ask.”

So very slowly I began to exercise choice in how I reacted to bad situations. I started to consider if my words, even if true, were likely to make the situation better.  I began to act differently and, more exciting, to think differently when faced with the bumps in life.

Many years later I remember I was angry about the behavior of an acquaintance whose actions had been hurtful to a friend. A valued mentor said, “Can you cut her a little slack over this?” I immediately said, “Not yet.” But it started me thinking about how often I wanted someone to cut me a little slack, as in gently speaking to me directly about a concern rather than chatting about it to a third party, as in remembering I may have been more focused on my really, really challenging day rather than the needs of those around me, as in remembering that we all fail to be as kind or gentle or thoughtful or able as we “ought” at various times and for various reasons.

Hearing the call to let go of arguing truly changed my life in ways that are nothing less than transformational. (Which does not mean I’m not still refining my skills in this area!)

Proverbs 17:1 Better a dry crust with quiet than a house full of feasting with quarrels. (CEB)

4.  Pray without ceasing.

This one was a little easier for me since I have spent years of fear, frustration and despair being driven to my knees asking God for help, protection, ideas, money, release from panic, and often with clear instructions on how best God could do that! But slowly the conversation changed.  The heart-felt "How"s (as in how did this happen, how can I save the day, how can I stop the descent, etc.) finally opened my stubborn ears to hear a gentle voice saying..."I know the how and it is already established, but you must trust without details of processes you can never fully understand."

Oh. God might know better than I do what my child needs and how my child's journey will unfold. Imagine that. And God knows what I need better than I do. Hum. And God is willing to provide me with direction, wisdom, patience, love, hope, faith, purpose, resources and a bunch of other stuff I am definitely short on?

This verse is from Colossians 1:9: "Pray without ceasing." It has been pivotal in my life for this reason:  when I pray the biggest change I see is in me! This, more than any other place or way, is how my relationship with God was born and nurtured. So I am very strong on encouraging folks to keep talking to God. Mad at him? Keep talking!  Not getting the answer you want? Keep talking! Not sure God is there or would listen to us if God is there? Keep talking! Want your loved ones to act differently, be different, regard you differently, value what you value? Keep talking to God about it. If it has worked for millions of other folks over thousands of years, isn't it worth giving it a try?

And where you find comfort, direction, relationship in prayer, share that gently with your incarcerated loved one.  Some powerful prayer warriors live behind bars and live lives of purpose, kindness and hope, ministering to others both inside and outside. 

Ask your loved ones to pray for you too! If they are praying but their faith is shaken by all that has gone on, the praying for you will be a special blessing to you all.

3.  Give without sparing.

Wow, really?  Don't I help all I can?  Phone bills and commissary are stretching us beyond recovery. And that is just the beginning!  And sometimes I think I help too much and too often!

Figuring out how much and how often and to whom is all a balancing act and changes with understanding and circumstance, so I don't think that is exactly what is meant here.

I think it speaks to two issues: The 1st is our attitude about giving which is often driven by the 2nd, to give with a carefully thought-out plan.

It is hard to keep food on the table and listen to your incarcerated loved one talk about the candy bars and chips you can't afford for your grandchild or at your family table BECAUSE you are sending money to the commissary account! And it is hard to talk about your financial limitations without feeling you are dumping a load of guilt on your incarcerated loved one who may never be able to repay even a part of what you are feeling driven to spend.

So I strongly suggest that you be realistic about what you can give without anger.  Look at your budget and if your credit card debt is getting larger every year or if you are behind on mortgage, rent, insurance or utilities, then no matter what your loved one’s situation, you are not giving the right amount of support.  If your financial situation is less stressed, then you may have more flexibility, but it does not mean that you should fail to save for the future, a future that might include a person who, do to years of incarceration, might need financial help for many years into the future.  So look at your financial situation and make a plan, then share that plan with the person you are helping.  For many, the fact that you are helping their families outside or stating a willingness to be in the prisoner’s life for the long hall may well help THEM be more realistic about the choices they make.  Boredom and depression drive much commissary spending and having a solid, useful reason to curb that can only help their health and give them a greater sense of control.  Now, that is a gift!

And if you are able to give generously and don’t want it to be damaging to your incarcerated loved one, contact your loved one’s facility to make a cash contribution to the chaplain’s library or fund a study with the warden to bring literacy or vocational rehab programs to the facility.  Or support one of the many organizations bringing programing and services to the facility such as KAIROS, Prison Fellowship, Financial Peace University and many more folks with a heart for this ministry.

#2   Speak without accusing.


Ouch.  This one really hits close to the bone.  After years of destructive behaviors that have led to many arguments and disappointments and feeling stupid for believing so many lies, prevarications and distortions...well, sometimes the simplest question is at least tinged with doubt.  And when it regards something big that has frequently been a disaster, it is really hard to keep the fear and frustration out of my voice.  And it is really easy to jump to conclusions. And plenty of friends and family members model the doubt to me so I really feel I don't want to be fooled again.

So why is this on the list?  For me, it starts with what God calls me to do in James 1:19: "Know this my dear brothers and sister: everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to grow angry."  First of all, I appreciate the warning that this is not an easy thing.  See where it says, "dear brothers and sisters"?  This is means, “Hey, this is going to hard.”  Now, if this is difficult when you are speaking to the gal running the check-out line at the grocery store or the bicyclist crossing on the red light, then that needs to be attended to NOW.

But for most folks, this is a problem, dare I speak the truth on this, with our nearest and dearest.  Yup, accusatory speech is all about remembered wrongs that reside within our families: birth families, families of choice, marriage families, work families, church families, civic organization families, prison families, bar families, team families.  So, be prepared. This is going be a work in progress.

Then we are told to be “quick to listen and slow to speak” and yesterday we spoke of that.  But what comes next I find very interesting: be slow to grow angry.  It does not say we may not grow angry because there are things that rightly make us angry: lack of justice, and when our grandchildren or younger siblings are at risk to name two.  So what do I make of the directive to “be slow to grow angry?”

Well, for me it starts with not starting angry, not living angry, not embracing anger to build walls to shelter behind.  It means when a situation requires energy to right a wrong or protect the vulnerable then getting angry is often the start of something important, something big, maybe even a part of our purpose in life.  But anger needs to remain an emotion that invites examination: What is making me angry? Why? What fear is this touching? What healthy thing can I do to address this? What is my life response to the root of the anger? Anger can get us out of an abusive relationship or work to change policies or laws or it can be the springboard to improving self-control.

But anger is a rotten, useless, wasteful, dangerous place to live.  There are plenty of people behind bars for the rest of their lives that can speak to the truth of this.  No one’s child or parent or lover was ever comforted by rage. No one had a more productive, loving, useful life because they embraced their fear rather than their God.

So if anger has taken up residence in your life, please give that to God as a sacrifice to truth.  God loves you, no matter what, and longs to heal you, grow you and grow in relationship with you. He wants this for those you love.  And as you build your relationship with God, the changes in your life will speak more tenderly to those you love than ever our words can.

 

Today we begin a conversation about ways to love that do not require us to be physically present.  That is important when our loved one is incarcerated and, even when we visit, we usually can't bring a cake or even a candy bar from outside.  Ah, life at the vending machines.  We can't repair the hole we notice in the shoulder of their blues.  We are limited to one hug at the beginning and one at the end, if we are lucky. So "showing love" may be particularly frustrating for us.  But for the next ten days we will discuss ways to show love that we can do every day, but, at least for me, baking a cake would have been much easier and faster, because these lessons in love are lessons for a lifetime.

#1     Listening without interrupting.

This is very hard for me.  Over the years I have heard enough self-serving whines and excuses and obvious lies to make my ears swell up and explode.  And, since I understand all too well that those whines and excuses are destructive to my loved one, I just don't want to hear it all anymore.  Ugh-oh, there it is again...I've made it all about me!

Now, first let me say this: it IS about me.  Those of us who are affected by the incarceration of a loved one are dealing with a disaster not of our own making.  (No, none of us were perfect parents, but except for those who coerced a child into the family's illegal activities, we are not responsible for the choices our loved ones made -- but that is another journey for another time.) We must deal with our own issues, but that is not what I want to share right now.

Here is why I believe God told us in Proverbs 18:13 "Those who answer before they listen are foolish and disgraceful." And that means me too, even when dealing with my fear for my child.  So does that mean we have to keep listening and participating in the same "poor me" monologue?  Well, I think sometimes we do.  Maybe as we grow we will hear something new in there that we can reflect to our loved one in a helpful manner. They may let a truth leak out that will prove helpful to all, but we can't hear that if we assume we know all they are going to say.

What if we determine they are truly stuck in a destructive "loop"? We can start with silence. That was very hard for me when I was both very emotional myself and stretched financially to pay "jail telephone rates" from another state. But firstly, anything you do differently will make things different...no guarantee it will be for the better, but at least a new behavior by you, especially a gentle one, will change the dialog.  It can make your loved one angry because you have changed the script and it is disconcerting.  But, my fellow traveler, if nothing changes....well, then nothing changes. So consider a NON-hostile silence to let your loved one run down.  Then suggest a change in topics, "Yes, John, I have heard you feel that way. But I want to ask you (share with you, let you know, discuss with you.....)"  And keep a list by the phone so you have some things to discuss that are positive, inclusive, or hopeful.

If the looping occurs in letters, you can just ignore it, after you have carefully listened for anything that might be helpful.  Especially when writing, refer to something you read or heard in a prior conversation that you can lovingly recall to assure them that they are being heard.  I would consider a struggle I was hearing about and look for a scripture passage that I thought spoke to two issues: (1) to reassure that our struggles are not a sign we are hopelessly broken and lost, but rather this: as broken and lost as we are, God already knows about it, yet (2) God is present and for us at all times and in ALL places.

If I could have written a letter to prison every day I don't think it would have been too much and there were no complaints as I explained why my faith was the bedrock of my journey. So if you can combine feeding back to the person what you are hearing (fear both for today and the future, hopelessness, unworthiness, anger, rage, revenge, concern for children left behind, shame, loneliness, frustration and despair to name a few) and combine a quote, it can make a powerful message.  You could write the verse or saying or lyric on a 3x5 sheet of paper that could be used to help in memorizing the message. It might even start a new and healthier conversation.

But none of this works well, if we don't listen fully first.

YOU CAN COME AS YOU ARE

He's not mad at you
And He's not disappointed
His grace is greater still
Than all of your wrong choices

Louder than the voice
That whispers you're unworthy
Hear the sound of love
That tells a different story

Shattering your darkness
And pushing through the lies
How tenderly He calls you
His arms are open wide

You can come as you are with all your broken pieces
And all your shameful scars
The pain you hold in your heart, you bring it all to Jesus
You can come as you are

As usual, what we need for our journey is more alike than different, even though the journey is a world apart.

If you are not familiar with Job and you are in a seriously sad place this might not be a good time to read about Job because he endured about every horrible thing imaginable.  His wife died after expressing her disdain for Job; his children died; he lost all his great wealth and became homeless; he endured great health challenges; his friends abused him and then abandoned him.  The only thing he did not loose was his life and he expended that extolling the kingship and goodness of God.  If you think he was a nut-case then you would be right there with his wife and friends who mocked his relationship with God.

But this is what Job had to say about his situation:  "Prepare your heart to serve only God.  Lift your arms and pray to God....God will protect you and give you rest."  Job 11:13...18  Job was certain of his place as God's child even in the midst of overwhelming sorrow and loss.  Later in Job's story we learn that all he had was restored.  I've often wondered if his friends learned anything from walking with Job through his trials.

When a child goes to jail it is sometimes hard to find a safe place even within our families and church families, to share our sorrows.  But God is always home when you call.  God's cell phone is never out of a charge or out of minutes.  God does not go out of town on vacation.  24-7 God has ears for you and eyes on you and always has your best interests at heart.  God is trustworthy at all times and in all places.  And God will send good people to you when you ask. 

I am always interested to read books on surviving challenges.  Of course, my perspective is odd to most people.  I've been so deeply and broadly blessed by "bad luck" that I don't fear the same way I used to.  Oh, I still get fearful about health, money, family relationships...even fearful when trying to do the "right thing," if it truly is the right thing or only my ego deciding on what is most appealing to me.  I am woman, hear me vacillate.  Trying to get it exactly right is exhausting, impossible and, frankly, fraught with danger.

You see, I believe that failure is always driven by fear.  I fear I am not good enough.  I fear others will suffer for my shortcomings.  I fear it won’t turn out as I planned.  Do you see a theme here?  It is truly all about me: will I be judged? will I look foolish? will I prove to be unworthy, unimportant?  This is the bottom line.  When our desire to help others or ourselves is limited by our personal capacity it is never enough.  Eventually despair follows a consistent failure on our part to be perfect (often disguised as “good enough”).

And, as a mother who always wanted to be encouraging my children to be their best, I fear I often fed them this “never good enough” lie.  I have lied to myself, but worse my limited understanding lead me to at least imply to my children and those I love that we can always be more valuable.

But here is the unvarnished truth.  We already are ultimately valuable.  Today we are broken, frightened, starkly aware of every error, every missed opportunity, yet already worthy and infinitely important.  Not because of what we know or do or think we could have done, but because of who we are…the beloved child of the Almighty God who asked His Son to become acquiescent to a stunningly brutal death so that we might understand God’s utter love for us and Christ’s willingness to go where no man has ever gone for us.

God loves you utterly.  God will never love you more than in this moment…and God will never love you less.

Don’t be afraid, because I am with you.
    Don’t be intimidated; I am your God.                                 Isaiah 41: 10  (God’s Word translation)

PS - this is true for your troubled loved ones too.  Relax God's got this!

Some years ago my son had a friend whose commitment to irritate and embarrass his parents went further than he planned.  His frustration and rage drove him toward increasingly risky behaviors until he wound up incarcerated.  He was young and had no prior record and the offence was one all too familiar to prosecutors so his sentence was a few months of jail time.  SEVERAL months later he called from jail to speak to my son (a good friend of his who longed to help his friend stay connected with people who cared about him and I supported that after we established some ground rules about how much money I was willing to commit to the project) but said son was not home.  So we talked for a few minutes and I asked as gently as I knew how, "I thought you were due to get out months ago.  What is going on?"  "Well," he replied sounding a little embarrassed, "I thought I could go through this without changing."  "Oh," I paused, "isn't that the whole point of the exercise?"  (Last I heard he was working and staying out of trouble, so I'm hopeful he is well.)

But I think of how often mankind is so much better at responding to disasters than avoiding them.  "Yes, we had received reports that the dam had structural issues, but really we never expected 1,000 people to drown."  Or we spending massive amounts of energy and money trying to terrify the populous with tales of unimaginable catastrophe only avoidable by paying the oracles to save us, thus saving us from having to make different and new choices.

So my challenge is this: spend time today thinking about what you don't like about your current situation and come up with one small idea about how you can do some thing different...even a small thing.  Be the first one to not respond to an irritating comment or do a kindness to someone you feel treated you badly or commit to 5 minutes (or whatever you can start with) to being still and thinking about the things that are right in your life.

Now maybe you have much bigger changes that you know you need to make (living in a violent relationship or working for a dishonest boss to name two), but if you haven't begun executing a plan to change that yet, then start today with something smaller.  Start by enjoying a flower or breeze or speaking kindly to the new kid trying to learn the cash register at the drive through window or thank the janitor in your building.  

Here is the secret:  you have much more authority over your circumstances than you know.  If you don't think that is true click the "CONTACT" button and let's start a conversation.

One of the most subtle and devastating facts about prison is that people loose their names.

To the prison administration they are a number.  To the fellow inmates they are called by prison nicknames that are rarely flattering or uplifting.  For someone in prison who gets no letters, cards or visits (and there are many) they often have trouble responding to their own names.  This strikes me as deeply sad.  Oh, I understand how it happens!  Their families may be deceased or they may never have known a family of their own after years in foster care or as an only child who never built a family of their own, or the families may have been worn down and exhausted by the life-style that lead to prison or they may be uncertain how to protect children from the teasing and loss cause by the incarceration of their loved one.  They may even have such fear of the incarcerated person and the lifestyle of gangs or drug dealing that they are afraid to let them know where they are.  Oh, I get it.  At times I even encourage it where there is real danger to consider.

But still, to loose my name, to never hear "Moma" or "Mrs. C" would be horrid, but to never hear anyone speak my name, but only a number or an angry nickname.  That seems devastating to me.

But God does not ever forget my name.  God knows me, knows my limitations, believes in my future, loves me.  This is why we bring the essence of hope to our brothers and sisters in jails and prisons when we visit or write and share our hope, experience and faith.  We say they have a name, a place in the world and more importantly, a place in the heart of God.

For those on the outside, the message is the same.    

Don’t fear, for I (God) have redeemed you;
    I have called you by name; you are mine.        Isaiah 43:1b

Today I picked up a book about dealing with the challenges in life.  I did not finish it.  Oh, not that there was nothing of value, but it missed what I believe is the essential part.

The author was speaking to our vulnerability when we are dealing with disaster, chaos, fear and the end of life as we expected it to be.  His point, and a valid one, is that we are very vulnerable to bad decisions at such a point and often to those bad decisions make our situation infinitely worse than they had been 24 hours earlier.  All that is true and I have demonstrated the sad truth of that in bad decisions I have made.

But we WILL make mistakes...small ones, large ones.  With practice we will be better at avoiding mistakes but we will never on this side of heaven ever get everything exactly right.  So the bigger truth is not how we might sin, bur rather that WHEN we sin, what then?  The negative little liar that lives in your head will tell you it is proof positive that you are worthless, bad, and many other things we are all too willing to wear as a cloak of unworthiness.  And wrapping the lie of unworthiness around us leads to more unwise choices and more shame and more despair. It feeds the fear that nothing can change (absolutely not true...everything about us changes one way or another) and It also leads to self-medication, obesity, stress, poor health, over-spending...all the stuff we try to stuff in the hollow place inside us.

So I would say to this author, get off your high horse because if you have no compassion for mistakes driven by another's imperfect relationship with God then I am very concerned with your well-being! It sounded all too much like you thought other people's sins were much worse than your own and that leaves you vulnerable to "small sins" unshriven that lead to bigger trouble later on...  I'm putting you on my pray list, brother!

So what Do I wish he had included?  How about this?  All "sin" comes due to a lack in my relationship with God. Read the old testament.  Read the new testament.  We get in trouble when we (1) don't seek God, (2) think we should be able to understand the mind of God, (3) buy the lie that we are too unworthy to be loved by God AKA God is a liar when God says "I love you always, just as you are, and have plans for a good life and eternal life for you, but you have to trust me."  We are ALWAYS wanting God to "prove it is true" before we will even try to trust God.  But that is backwards.  Think about a baby:  they trust us to feed them, tend them, cloth them, love them and every time we do right by them them, they are learning trust.  As long as that baby clamps its mouth down, refuses to suckle, refuses to be comforted life is miserable and frightening and dangerous.  But we bounce, we rock, we tend, we sing in the midst of that child's terrors and bad choices until we wear them down to sleep and nuzzle against our breast exhausted by their lack of understanding and stubbornness.  We pray for them.  We stroke them.  We whisper our love to them in the hope their small bodies will begin to participate in the essential activities of living.  This is God.

God loves. God woos, God persists. God offers comfort. God loves us. God wraps us in such tenderness.  But, unlike we frightened human Mamas, God is not guessing about what needs to happen and God is not fearful. So we can stop crying and fighting and struggling in fear and we can give up all that and before we even get the thoughts formed or the words out of our mouths, God is moving heaven and earth to respond in perfect love.

Does that mean God will wave a magic wand and make everything as we think it out to be?  No (and I have learned to thank God for that) but we will be new, renewed, safe in the most essential sense of that.