I feel frustrated by the number of folks, particularly church folks, who wiggle and squirm when they learn of my commitment to prison ministry and ministry to the families and friends of the incarcerated. Often people quoting the 25th chapter of Matthew skip over the part where God says that when we visit folks in prison, we have visited God in prison.

On this first Sunday in Advent, this morning's sermon not only did not skip that part, the preacher actually discussed this as a better way to celebrate Christmas than those recommended by a culture still touting "stuff" as the road to happiness. This good man was quite direct and clear in reminding us that we are all in need of forgiveness and restoration and this is the work we are each charged to do today.

So, today, what friendship have you failed to tend that you can offer to restore? To what person, who is a rather challenging character, can you offer kindness instead of an interior "harrumph"? What stranger, who looks odd or seems in need, can you touch today? What forgiveness can you offer that models for another the forgiveness that our perfect God offers us anew every time we fall short by what we do or we leave undone?

The Lord says, “I will forgive their iniquity, and remember their sin no more.”  - Jeremiah 31:34 (NRSV)

Halleluah!

I have been thinking the past few days about joy versus fun. It seems like fun seems to be the quest of lots of folks.

So, what does the dictionary say about FUN: "something that provides mirth or amusement, enjoyment or playfulness. The quality that I observe is a fleeting nature. Mirth and playfulness rarely take residence in our heart or inspire acts of great generosity or courage.

For JOY the definition is "the emotion of great delight or happiness caused by something exceptionally good or satisfying; keen pleasure." Joy results from something exceptional and, in my experience, often leads to a passion for giving joy to others. While this generally leads to more joy for the giver, it is not the focus of the passion.

So, maybe fun is swinging our child at the playground but joy is tucking them into bed at night with a profound sense of gratitude that we can care for them tenderly. Or fun is an amusement park outing, while joy is a family gathering to celebrate the life of a beloved mother or the graduation of a child that struggled in school. Or fun is planting a garden while joy is sharing its bounty on our own table and with others. 

Fun is a picnic, while joy is a feast.

So this is my wish for you each and every one: may your days include abundant fun and your lives be filled with joy!

Yesterday was one of my favorite days. So many people thinking about the good things in their lives, and in this country even the poorest of the poor have more day-to-day basic needs met than in much of the world. Families gather with varying degrees of love and acceptance and understanding, but gather none-the-less. We feel the fun anticipation of the Christmas season before the stress of the season begins in earnest.

Now "Black Friday" has morphed into various sales promotions that run from a day or two before Thanksgiving Thursday non-stop into the next week.  Now I'm reading about "Giving Tuesday" as though we can make a thoughtful or not-so-thoughtful cash contribution and then be free to get on with the real deal of running amok in the quest for the "perfect gift", often with no thought to the financial consequences in January.

So I am going to suggest that this Holiday Season we all try something a little different. Let's GIVE each day leading up to Christmas. I'm told we learn a new habit by practicing it for 30 days so this might be the start of something big. Let's make a point to intentionally, thoughtfully and generously GIVE something each and every day from now through Christmas. 

Am I suggesting that we indulge in an orgy of giving gifts to family and friends. No, I am not!

This is what I mean. Let's choose to be kind and thoughtful to those overworked store clerks, postal workers and mail carriers. Give them a kind word.  Look them in the eye and acknowledge them as a beloved child of God, even if things don't go well--even if they are part of why it went wrong! Carry extra change so you can easily bump up the tip for your waitress or hairdresser. Leave a note of thanksgiving with the tip. Take a basket of fruit around to your neighbors, asking each if they would like an apple or pear or orange for a snack. Write a thank-you note to that person who did you a kindness weeks ago: no, it is not too late.

You get the idea! It could change Christmas from a stress roller coaster to a time of great joy as we practice the true meaning of Christmas.

Just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness.  Colossians 2:6-7

Each child is born with gifts and potential, oh, and challenges that can hone needed skills, and strengthen and deepen faith. But we, as parents, often see a future for our child that is more about our expectations than the purpose God has for our child. 

When our children are small and we teach that God is our heavenly Father; that comforts because they know that their caregivers are their lifeline in a very practical and understandable way. As they grow, as we all grow, our understanding of our relationship with our heavenly Father becomes important in new and deeper ways as Savior and Comforter. 

When someone we love--a child, a parent, a sibling, a spouse, a nephew or niece or a friend--land in a situation where there are new and significant obstacles to the dreams and expectations we have for them, this is a huge part of our journey. Often for the incarcerated, lack of understanding the consequences of their frequently impulsive actions and choices leave them too busy struggling to survive the short term. But for those of us that think in the long-term, we wonder what kind of life they will have going forward.

But God has a plan for all of us. God has a plan for us to be made wise and strong by our part of the journey. And God has a plan for our loved one, though it may be quite different from anything we had been wanting for them.

Today, as we view the empty chair at our tables, or as we look into a face bearing the mark of incarceration, let us be thankful that God is so much greater than we can understand. Let us clutch to our hearts the truth of this: God's plans are better than ours for all eternity. Let us surrender to the greater plans God has for our loved ones and for ourselves.

Most of all, let us be filled with Thanksgiving that God is fully present and infinitely powerful whether we are behind brick and mortar bars, in the free world or are living in the limbo that is the legal process or recovering from incarceration. 

God knows who we were created to be, knows our purpose, and longs to helps us fulfill our purpose: to give us His Grace so we learn to live in peace, hope and love at all times and in all places.

We have this treasure from God, but we are only like clay jars that hold the treasure. This is to show that the amazing power we have is from God, not from us.  Corinthians 4:7 (ERV) 

When my children were young I got in the habit of posting on the refrigerator a prayer of Blessings This Thanksgiving. It included family members, friends and blessings perceived like jobs and a roof overhead. This rite of thanksgiving got misplaced in the changes life wrought but I awoke this morning wondering if I could list a thousand blessings in my life. I find that as my perspective has changed, allowing me to recognize blessings more efficiently, I believe I can list 1000 blessings in my life. 

I would, of course, start with all who God has sent to be my family of birth, blood, law, choice, church and event plus the folks they have introduced into our lives. Since I'm no spring chicken just listing these folks would fill several pages.

I don't know how many tints, hues and colors exist in the world, but I love every one and am amazed at the shades of sunrises and sunsets, gardens and woodlands, deserts and bodies of water, skin tones and sparkling eyes, prom gowns and cars. That has to be hundreds of thank-yous right there. And thank you for all the artists of pallet and easel; loom, warp and weft; digital graphic designers and programmers; musicians and gardeners, architects and craftsmen; quilters and sculptors....you get the idea. 

Oh, and I am grateful for the many words available to convey ideas. And how about the number of authors who create books and plays and poems that share ideas across hundreds of generations and a multitude of cultures. Movies make us laugh and make a point. Music fills our hearts with joy, our eyes with tears and set feet to tapping.

Inventions make our lives more interesting, less tedious and present countless possibilities starting with the wheel and currently being updated in the fertile and agile mind of a junior high science student dreaming of new ways to match possibility with capacity.

Then there are all the teachers that have blessed us and all those family members noted above. All the good men and women who serve and protect, the staff as well as physicians who tend our bodies when they fail to cooperate, accountants who keep better records than I can even imagine, food preparation folks who feed us when our Mom can not, colleagues past and present who shared their experience, perspective and skills, the folks who work to feed a nation from farmers to processors to truckers to merchants, all the folks who keep the computers processing data and the mom's and dad's willing to go all in to for the next generation, nursing home staff and the residents whose lives have populated our past.

Wow, I'd better stop or I'll still be adding items next Thanksgiving. Pretty sure that is more than a thousand blessings identified and appreciated!

My prayer for you today is this: Gracious God who sends abundant blessings even in the most challenging times, give us eyes to see, voices to speak appreciation to the world around us, and hearts full of amazing joy at all You have provided to delight us. Thank you for walking with us when our hearts are too heavy to notice the blessings of the moment and for Your encouragement to believe in the possibility of healing. Amen. 

I awoke in a bit of a panic because of how quickly the end of the year is coming. A bit extreme?  Maybe, but this first year in our new home and back in the Midwest it seems like everything takes longer than I expect and is a bit more complex than I thought it would be.

To begin, this week is Thanksgiving and, although I do not have a big dinner to cook, we are traveling to family we have not recently been near enough to visit over holidays. A great blessing, but something new to plan. And school and holiday activities are starting to overlap. Blessings all, and everything will sort itself out.

So, this week, since our support meetings are on Thursday we will not be meeting. This makes me particularly glad for this web-site since you can reach me here and I'll be happy to call or email if you have something on your heart. Commenting is welcome, of course, and there may be someone you have not yet met that has something worthwhile to share. But if that is a bit too public, feel free to use the "contact" button above and a private email will find me.

I always thank my God for you because of the grace that he has given you through Christ Jesus.  
                                                                                                                                           1 Corinthians 1:4 (ERV)  

Are we having fun yet? This seems to me to be an appropriate catch-phrase for these times.

Fun is the main theme but we never quite get there. 

Come have fun with me, but I'll be cranky as all get out if the team loses...no concept of enjoying the fellowship or cheering on a team that played hard.

Come have fun with me, but I'll only buy ice cream if you get all As and Bs on your report card.

Come  have fun with me, but I'll only make love to you, my beloved spouse, if I am pleased with every tiny thing you do.

Come have fun with me, we only need more expensive shoes, a bigger house, a snazzier car, a more exotic meal, higher stakes tables, a little smoke, toke, coke, booze and porn. We run so hard to get more of the things that are not making us happy now. And, eventually, we have so much of what is not making us happy that we are mired in despair, poor health, damaged relationships and even jail.

Turn your back on the values and cultural norms that have left you always wanting more stuff and more "fun". Repudiate the idea that screams at us from televisions and billboards, that we are what we eat, wear, drive, drink, own, experience and control.

I was speaking with a young friend recently about a mutual acquaintance and I said I enjoyed her because she seemed to be a person with good balance. My friend looked puzzled and ask if that meant being able to see both sides of a situation.

Actually, this is not what I meant at all. What I meant is she is so well grounded, so comfortable on her personal foundation, that she could calmly choose her response to a situation. Oh, I don't mean in a phony "who will I pretend to be with this person or in this place so they will like me more" way.

I mean this: although she has many talents (intelligence, kindness, honesty, insight, wisdom, enthusiasm and more I have no way of knowing)  these traits don't just spurt out of her. She takes a moment to consider the person she is interacting with; is honest, but finds the kinder words rather than the bluntest; is willing to lend a hand as well as an ear; foregoes judgement in favor of affirmation. I think I heard she was a professional teacher, but I know she has the heart of a teacher.

Maybe I can learn to be a bit more like her as I watch her spread love wherever she goes.

How many things do we wait upon? My sweet daughter-in-law is less than a month from her due date and the source of her longing is with her every moment: to meet face-to-face the child she carries . As I read the Thanksgiving ads I think about dinners past and present, grateful for times together, and wonder how our time together this coming Thanksgiving will unfold.

All the waiting, the anticipating, is fun. Just look at the faces of children looking at fancy Christmas lights and practicing earnestly for Christmas programs. When the longing turns from weeks or days or hours to become months and years, the anticipation turns to anxiety and longing, stealing our peace and damaging our health.

But God says that does not need to be. God says if we acknowledge that we have no control over the waiting and that God is in charge, then we have access to strength and peace not of this world. Because this peace gives us wings like Eagles and lets us run without tiring and walk without fainting. How long has it been since your soul has been refreshed and renewed and your days have been without fear and anxiety?

Lay your sorrows, your fears, your longings, your anxieties down at the feet of Jesus and accept His love, wisdom and joy. Wrap yourself in the tender care of the Holy Spirit that you may be comforted, assured and grow in faith, hope and the peace that passes human understanding. 

"But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." - Isaiah 40:31 (KJV)

I have always believed there are doers and complainers and I was WAY on the doers side. Unfortunately, left on my own, my doing was often not as helpful as I expected it to be when it was rushing through my head.

So, slowly, I have learned that pausing to ask God to guide and direct is a good thing. Because God sees the larger picture and inspires me in ways that are less likely to damage dozens because I am trying to help one. Because God knows that timing is important and waiting has power. Because God knows that challenges can lead to wisdom and strength, so immediate "help" may actually steal the incipient blessing. Because God does not need my help, but I definitely need God's.

So as I follow the news on the Florida State University shooting this morning I know I can trust God to wrap a lot of frightened people in His Love: students, instructors, administration and staff, parents, law enforcement and local residents. I'm hoping none of the names of the injured is familiar to us, but I'm acutely aware that what will be a relief to us does not diminish the experience of each person touched by this, including the family of the shooter.

I think I need a little time reading Psalm 46 which begins: God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Then, if my hands or feet are needed, I'll be fueled up and ready to go.

There are many things that I have done with all my heart that have not turned out very well. Stephen Covey, motivational guru, says it matters not how enthusiastically one might climb a ladder, if it is leaning against the wrong wall it only means one is going in the wrong direction with great efficiency. That stuck with me because it has described me all too often.

But turning timid does not seem to be the answer either. And I have no desire to look like a victim to any one at any time. So, how do I find the proper middle ground?

As odd as it may sound, living in a family dealing with addition has been instructional in a positive way. I learned that there are no easy answers. I learned that the truth can be spoken with gentleness. I learned that when I build a solid foundation for my life, my relationships with others are less often colored by fear, anger and ego. I learned that God is reliable when I ask for help.

Most of all I have learned that doing a thing with passion and enthusiasm works best when I trust God with the timing.

"Every time you find work to do, do it the best you can."  Ecclesiastes 9:10

“I trusted in thee, O Lord: I said, Thou art my God. My times are in thy hand.”  - Psalm 31:14-15 (KJV)

I have come to love this verse because time is such a focus for the incarcerated and their families. We speak of 
the time they have been given, gain time, time served, doing time, time left that we will be apart. We speak of the times missed being together for birthdays, anniversaries and funerals. We long for the time they will be home, even if the sentence makes that unlikely.

All of us in the free world speak of time flying, too little time, time crunch, time out, out of time, wanting time, and needing time. For the incarcerated, time is often measured by the Release Date (subject to change pending gain time award, gain time forfeiture, or review.) They are worlds apart in so many ways.

But in this way we face similar challenges, we in the free world and those doing time:  All of us have choices about time, to spend it or to blow it. 

For the incarcerated most institutions have some programming. So maybe I never wanted to be a hairdresser or work with dogs, but that does not mean it will not be worth knowing. If my basic skills need brushing up before GED classes are viable, I can ask if the opportunity exists to be mentored. There are people incarcerated who have made a lot of choices in their lives and, if I pay respectful attention, I may learn something important. I can attend Bible classes, life-skill classes, parenting classes, AA, Financial Peace to name a few that might be available. 

In the free world we can let our schedules, kids' schedules, aging parent's schedules, church schedules, and work schedules drive us, or we can ask God to help us develop a set of values that we can use to spend our time. Just one "no" to something may free us to say "yes" to something more important. Just one time when we realize we are freer than it has felt to decide to do something or not do something can become a gift to ourselves or someone we love rather a burden we are bearing.

So let's all trust God with all our heart about just one new thing today. Let's trust that God has given us enough. Let's consider that when we are trying to put 15 pounds of trouble in a 5 pound bag of hope, we might could repack, share a burden, consider a new perspective, find a new resource and trust we don't have to pretend we can do it on our own.

Dear Eternal God, help me remember that time is a gift from You. Help me trust You about the minutes, hours, days, weeks, months and years of my life, because You are my God having my times in Your Hand is exactly right!  Amen

I think the best life-teachers are the ones who coach, rejoice at success, offer encouragement at failure, balance hope with consequences, and assume a child wants to do well so seeks methodologies to power that. They share knowledge, seek input and keep their ego packed away. By such as these all are blessed.

And, being a life-long seeker of knowledge, when my son entered the legal system I wanted a Mothering Your Son in Jail for Dummies book. I would have paid big money to attend a seminar on the subject (or have gratefully sent my pastor and my friend). I wanted to know how to fix this, improve this, repair this nightmarish system where the term "justice" seems a cruel joke. Now, let me make this clear. My child was not only guilty as charged, his arrogance and foolishness consistently made matters worse. And my upbringing of him include serious lapses and failures. But the longer I am involved in matters within the criminal justice system the more I am confused by this: why do we as a nation believe we can effectively hold sinners accountable with a system that is so terrifically broken that it is not only making the sinners MORE broken, but also placing horrible burdens on the staff and administrators at jails and prisons, the innocent children of these sinners and the broken parents, sisters, wives, husbands, aunties, cousins, neighbors, church friends, and street friends, and overwhelmed social workers and foster parents.....way too many people who start crying as a struggling child grows into a defiant teen, broken adult, abandoning parent and finally dependent adult child in a frightening cycle gaining ground daily.

I'm stunned at how many seriously broken people are trying to survive with an all too accurate understanding of their own limitations and brokenness. Maybe instead of jail they work at the desk next to you bringing their sorrowful, angry self into your office. Maybe they serve on a committee with you at church bringing their need to control a world spinning ever faster out of control to disrupt your perfect plans. Maybe they weep with their children and for their children when the death that is stalking their family causes all days to be without hope. Please pray persistently for all who are trying to stuff the God-shaped whole with everything except God. Be humble with them and gentle, being patient and bearing with them in healthy ways. Be Christ to them.

This weekend I had the opportunity to meet and learn from wise, power-filled women who bear enormous sorrows with patience and grace, and are growing such gentle spirits; for whom patience is a way of life and who love on the most broken of us through the Spirit of God. I have learned much and intend to keep attending classes, maybe share a bit of what I have learned by teaching a class someday too. (Much was taught without a word of instruction, but rather by the gifts of truly listening and the giving of love unmarred by judgement.)

Thank you, God for these people who find their way to hope, faith, channeled strength, patience, power, joy and a thousand other blessings that the Almighty and Perfect God says, however broken, we deserve.  Not just that we might earn it. Not just that we might have a pity-filled, righteous person to negotiate for us. NO! God says such who are sinners and broken and without hope, such people as us, are so worthy that Jesus came to die for them, not just with the passive acceptance of the Father, but with the utter and total support of the Father. And Jesus sent the Comforter to make sure that we have all we need the very nano-second that we are willing to accept it. God nudges us, woos us, bugs us, whispers love into our tender and wounded ears with a permanent and passionate plea to turn our face to our Creator, Father, Husband, Friend, finally willing to accept the help that has been waiting all along.

Thank you God, for the blessings of the KAIROS* folks who are your hands and feet, loving on us and on our loved ones!

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.  – Ephesians 4:2-3 (NIV)

*Check out the KAIROS link on the "links" tab above.

Today I long to pray for all who read this blog. This longing started when I read Lamentations 3:22-23 and I claim this verse for you today.

Oh, God, convict us of this truth: The faithful Love of the Lord never ends for you. God's mercies never cease for you. Great is God's faithfulness to you as God's mercies begin afresh this morning and every morning for you. I thank God for you and praise God for love unfailing, patience unending, hope eternal, joy at all times and in all places and the constancy of God's grace in your life today and always. Amen.

“The faithful love of the 
Lord never ends. His 
mercies never cease. Great is 
his faithfulness; his mercies 
begin afresh each morning.” 
Lamentations 3:22-23

Chaplains are very special people in the lives of the incarcerated and their families.  I am concerned that, just as there are challenges with mainstream churches having adequate clergy to fill pulpits, there are even greater challenges for chaplains.  City and county facilities do not always have a chaplaincy office and when they do they are almost always proving their own support.  By that I mean that they are either part of a national or regional mission such as Good News Jail & Prison Ministry or come from a local ministry or congregation with a heart for jail ministry. But either way they must raise the funds to pay for their own salary and supplies. 

Chaplaincy is definitely a full-time job.  In jails the rolling population might be a single chaplain and hand full of volunteers managing a rolling population of 1,000.  By that I mean that of the 1,000 people incarcerated at a facility at the city or county level at a given time, many will be awaiting trail or transfer to another jurisdiction, or serving sentences from 30 days up to 1 year, 11 months, 29 days and then rolling out. This means lots of folks are in a state of nearly constant transience and distress and with little time to develop the kinds of relationships that pay the highest dividends. This is particularly frustrating because these are folks who are front-line with first-time offenders where intervention could be most effective. And some do, by God's Grace, make significant impacts even in such chaotic circumstances.  At state and national prisons the population may be more stable, but, like local chaplains, they have four major jobs, (1) pastor, (2) volunteer recruiter, trainer and coordinator; (3) fundraiser or budget advocacy, and (4) maintaining the relationship with the administration of the facility. 

If you have the opportunity to buy tickets to a fundraising dinner or play in a fundraising golf tournament for these folks, or asked to contributed support, please do so. They are, in my experience, very good stewards of these fund. If you have a desire to volunteer, be prepared to be persistent and provide references from your home congregation or civic organization, or better yet, offer to become the prison ministry coordinator for your church. Chaplains need help, but they also must be cautious about folks who volunteer both because they might not be who they purport to be and harmful to an already fragile population, but also because Chaplains have limited time for training volunteers and they need volunteers to come with a commitment to stick around for a while. 

Volunteers can do office administration tasks, help with fund raising, volunteer recruitment and training, Bible studies, grade Bible study papers, conduct classes in family financial literacy, basic reading, parenting, and decision making skills, conduct AA or CR meetings, administer pen-pal programs, serve as pen-pal or mentors, and many other tasks either enhancing the amount of contact with inmates or relieving the chaplain from administrative tasks. 

At all times please keep chaplains in your prayers. It is a challenging job with about as much social cachet as funeral directors and pay that is often less than a grade school custodian. But they are a life-line to our loved ones behind bars and serve to remind all within the facility walls that the light of Christ shines greater than the darkness.

We worry about how our incarcerated loved one will fair in the world. Will they be released only to be suckered in by the same attitudes, addictions and angst that underpins many bad decisions? But for many of us the larger fear is what happens to our grand-children and great-grandchildren. For as bad as recidivism and unproductive lives are, the worse thing is: will it become the heritage for those who come after?

It is not nonsensical or paranoid when we are losing increasing large numbers of our children to self-will-run-riot lifestyles that devolve into self-pity, underemployment or unemployment, loss of self-respect, loss of physical and mental health and poverty ground down with legal fees and self-medication.

So where is there hope for beloved babies?  In Isaiah 44:3 The Lord says, “I will pour water on the thirsty land and streams on the dry ground; I will pour my spirit on your descendants, and my blessing on your offspring.”  In short your children and grandchildren and their children have God longing to teach them what they need to know to fulfill the purpose for which they were created. 

Maybe you tried hard to instill in your child the values and faith that you value and things have gone very badly anyway. I know this is hard, but losing your faith is not helpful for yourself OR your family. And assuming that you know better than God what your loved one needs, while tempting beyond reason, is never helpful.  Suppose your child, while in prison, develops a world-rocking, family-changing faith that would never have happened in any other way? Would that make your tears, your fears, your embarrassment, your frustration small in comparison? For all of us, incarcerated or of the free world, the ultimate well-being of our children is not about jobs or education or status or wealth or respect from the world. And I believe that jails and prison are full of folks who are in the business of re-evaluating choices they have made and attitudes they have embraced.  

Will everyone in prison have an epiphany of faith that will make them the next Billy Graham or Nicki Cruz? Absolutely not. But the point is that each and every one of them and each and every one of us are given the free will to choose and the gifts of the Holy Spirit to free us to turn our face to God. And each and every one of us can be reborn to be the Hands and Feet of God, freed forever from our most potent demons. When our souls are the driest, God stands ready to pour water on our hearts and bring forth springs of hope and comfort.

We learned a dear friend passed away yesterday. Although he had many health issues, the death was not expected and we are feeling the hole in our lives. But one of our sons messaged this: "Sorry to hear about your friend, although he gets to run off to God so in that light it's a good thing."  Amen to that.

So as I sit here, I am feeling particularly tender toward families who must deal with a serious illness or death of a loved one incarcerated away from all the comforts we take for granted in the free world. A mother of an ailing incarcerated son or daughter can't fix chicken soup, lay a cool cloth on a feverish brow, hum a familiar tune, pat a hand. This lays a mirror up to the most frustrating part of loving someone in prison or jail. They are not the only one paying the price for their bad choices.

And to know that someone I loved lay dying without a kiss or touch from family of blood or choice...that thought takes my breath away. And think of those dying in the free world, so also separated from a beloved child or parent whose incarceration separates them from the comfort of physical contact and presence.

So today, will you please join me in lifting up individuals and families dealing with this in jails and prisons as well as loved ones adrift in our homeless population, folks alone in nursing homes bereft of family and all who are estranged from the comfort, wisdom, hope, faith and healthy touch of family.

Since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you—Colossians 1:9a

For more information on hospice care in prisons and jails, check out this link. http://static.nicic.gov/Library/014785.pdf

I recently heard an easy way to determine if my behavior is crossing boundaries, enabling dangerous lifestyles or trying to "fix" things that are not mine to fix.

Here it is: I need to back off, stand down and stop cold when I find myself spending more energy, time, passion, money and focus on "fixing" a problem than the person WITH the problem.

I wish I had heard that much sooner, but then, maybe I did and just wasn't ready to hear.

For me discerning when my help is really butting in has been a long and painful journey. And I still don't always do a great job on this. It is fear, I think, and a sense of not wanting to watch the 18-wheeler flatten someone I love because I don't want the pain of having to watch. And, frankly, I don't like it when old attitudes make even brief appearances and push old hot buttons.

But, guess what. If I truly, deeply and honestly want what is best for another (and I have had many, many lessons proving I can't provide that no matter how pushy, manipulative, angry or panicky I get) then I need to get out of the way and remember that God's relationship with my child is NOT mine to manage. The state of the human condition pretty much leads most of us to learn lessons for ourselves. And the more the I delay the process, the bigger the problem grows and the more painful for my loved one.

So, as scary and painful as it is, do not beat yourself up for letting your loved one step up for themselves. The habit says it is wrong, but the results will be right. I can't guarantee your loved one will get it together, but even if it all goes south, you will be better able to pick up the pieces for yourself, your grandchildren and others affected by the crash. And in your heart you know you are not in charge of another's life.

That is between them and their God.

I hear lots of folks lament how they don't have access to in-patient treatment programs. I get that. But I also know folks who use that as an excuse not to work what is available.

Firstly, if you have a loved one with issues of alcohol, anger, mental-illness or post-incarceration struggles, DO NOT take the stance that (1) It is not your problem so you don't have to make changes; OR (2) you will attend "meetings" once your loved one has "done their part by getting help first."

(1) If you are living with someone you love who needs help then it is most definitely your problem. NOT in the sense that that you can fix the problem, but rather because it is affecting everyone and any one person can be a catalyst for change. But it is such a challenge to walk that fine path between taking on responsibility for things over which we have no control and building protective walls to try isolate the damage to the person causing it. This is exacerbated by jarring pronouncements from family, church family, friends and passing acquaintances who want to tell us exactly what to do to solve a problem far more complex and layered than anyone who has not walked that road can appreciate. There is no one action that will mend a broken family or relationship. But a journey of healing IS available and you are not asked to travel it alone.

(2) Because you are hurting, broken, frightened, frustrated, angry, lonely, confused and generally distraught YOU NEED HELP and you deserve help. I do not mean that in a mean, judgmental, "You need help, you loser!" I  mean that in a "you are a beloved child of God and you deserve to be treated with respect and tenderness, especially with all you are dealing with and you have a right to not handle this all alone!" There are people who are knowledgeable about walking beside you during your challenges or are involved in groups that are committed to developing those skills. They long to share your journey to a better life. They are not perfect, of course, but when you combine these aids with a relationship with a God who loves you, woos you, created you for important work and longs to help you through to a new way of living it is a powerful good thing. Do not wait to avail yourself of every good (i did not say easy) thing to help you NOW!

So where is safe help?  It is important to keep that "safe" part in mind, because there are bogs and mirages along the way.

1. AA, NA, Al-Anon, GA, EA, SA, OA and similar 12-step programs have solid histories, amazing people and good road maps for the journey of recovery.  Nearly every county in the USA and in cities around the world help is at hand. Are there nutty people there?  Sure, so use good judgement about who you approach to be your sponsor and whose counsel is sensible. Now the nuttiest person makes sense at least part of the time, so think seriously about all that is said in meetings. But chose wisely about what you take home and leave the rest. You can find contact information in telephone directories, by goggling on the internet or by contacting your doctor.

2. Celebrate Recovery is a newer program that operates like a cross between AA and church and is sponsored by churches. It is a newer program, but they work to recruit long-time-in-recovery folks who have demonstrated maturity and wisdom to anchor these programs so are often great programs. CRs real strength, in my opinion, is that they (a) do not require a stated reason to be seeking a better life (i.e., alcoholism, narcotics addition, gambling addition, emotional problems, sexual addition, overeating, etc.) so it can be a very good place for someone seeking a post-release safe place or dealing with cross-over additions or addictions not condemned by society (i.e., shopping additions and workaholism) and those of us who are dealing with co-dependency and healthy living; and (b) the sponsoring church has been exposed to the principles of anonymity, co-dependency and redemption so can prove to be a welcoming church to hurting people. 

3. Private counseling can be helpful if it is a quality program with a solid track record and good reputation. There are in-patient but also intensive out-patient programs. And, of course, when looking at a decision like this, a lot of prayer is helpful.

4. Another faith-based program, Stephens Ministries, is accessed through participating churches and can offer a friendly face to journey along side for a short time.

God has not abandoned you, does not hate you, does not want to punish you and God would strongly prefer you quit doing that to yourself. God is providing resources you can trust.

The one thing that we have in common with our loved ones is that we all long for the magic "release." Even when we are concerned about our safety following release, we still WANT the kind of healing that brings a good outcome for everyone.

What can we do to encourage that "getting out" is not a revolving door?

1.  Be consistent in keeping your personal foundation in good repair. Seek a healthy church home who will generously welcome your incarcerated loved one, maybe even one that understands how to correspond safely with incarcerated folks. Keep your prayer life vibrant by turning all thoughts, plans, concerns and decisions into a conversation with God. Cling to your healthy friends, and limit or let go of friends who do not support a healthy lifestyle.

2. One consistent positive for lowering recidivism is family support. It is no small gift to maintain contact for months and years with an incarcerated loved one. If our loved one is still trying to be in control of his or her own life, that is especially hard as letters and phone calls may bring orders, judgement, anger and even threats. Trying to "be a friend" is a balancing act with "staying sane", and "living" and growing. I would recommend not trying to do this alone, and certainly not without a lot of prayer. Reach out to other people who are invested in the incarcerated person, especially mature Christians, and encourage them to write regularly.

3. Encourage your incarcerated loved one to engage every opportunity for education, schooling, classes and programs that are available to them. From Bible studies to GED programs, to certification programs, to dog training programs, to AA and Al-Anon, to Financial Peace University and parenting classes, to talking with others in positive ways about how things can be different. If they can embrace the idea of spending their time rather than just doing their time they will be able to learn skills that will translate well into the free world.

4. Have your financial house in order. Attend Financial Peace University for the first time or again. Think seriously about your values and how those are playing out in your financial decisions. The stronger you are in this area the better for everyone.

5. When they are coming out, discuss ground rules for sharing that encourage activity rather than outcomes. What I mean is this: rejoice with every application, interview, contact for information, free web-class taken, volunteer hours spent. All that is better than lots of depression, TV, bars, unemployed friends, angry relatives and money spent in ways that tax the family budget without bring value to anyone. It is all too easy to let our fear sound like judgement when we ask "what did you go today? did you make that call? talk to that employer?"  But to go from not being allowed to make the smallest choices in prison to managing a plate full of choices outside is not as easy as either the released person or their families generally expect.

6. Stay active in your church. Go even if the newly released person is embarrassed or uninterested. If it is important to you, your faithfulness makes a gentle but powerful statement to those you love. As you live your faith by handling stress differently and being patient and kind in ways you could not before, you will be preaching a passionate sermon without saying a word. Be wise in whom you confide and speak with respect when talking about your released family member.

Life is a journey, not an event.

Families and family member come in as diverse forms as there are people. They live in different contexts, have varying levels of functionality and are rarely at their best when first dealing with the incarceration of a loved one. There is just too much emotion involved in arrest, trial, sentencing and incarceration to make is easy for people to behave at their personal highest capability.

So I would caution families to avoid the following: (1) blaming; (2) shaming, (3) secrecy, (4) public scenes and (5) trying to take responsibility for and force actions on another.  When Paul wrote to the Galatians in Chapter 6, verse 2 saying "Help carry each other’s burdens," I do not think that means to take over the burdens of others. In fact, I think burdens are learning opportunities and when we take over, we are actually stealing the chance to grow from the individual involved.

Now, do I think this is easy? Certainly not. Family do and should be supportive of one another and be encouraging to one another in practical as well as emotional and educational ways. But we don't get to badger, batter or belittle another and call it supporting or encouraging. I have learned the value of asking if I might make a suggestion. I have learned the value of just listening and cheering for the better ideas that are discussed. I have learned that sometimes other people can more effectively coach my loved one than I can. And I have learned that love has to trump "being acknowledged as right."

I am very grateful to the family member, extended family, friends, strangers, counselors and others who gently made an observation, reinforced the flickering light that is the precursor to change, affirmed the Love of Christ to my child, spouse, parent, sibling, family of choice, friend and myself. We all need that and we don't get to demand to whom or from whom that type of blessing presents before us.

So here is what I recommend: (1) Pray, pray and keep praying. (2) Listen. Listen. (3) Love, Love. (3) Support folks who have prayerfully decided that they need to say "no" to something. (4) Encourage growth, hope, faith, joy and love at all times and in all places with everyone. (5) Remember none of us knows everything about another or another's situation, but God does. (See item 1.) And lastly, when presented with the opportunity, (6) return anger with kindness, giving the fear to God who knows exactly what to do with it.

Any relationship is more easily tended when grounded in our faith. Even for a casual relationship, as members of God's family we are reorienting ourselves to be more interested in serving than being served. Please notice the word "reorienting" because it is an active, present tense. This is a journey, not an event. Sometimes it is difficult to separate our own interests from those of the ones we love. One of my grandmothers convinced herself that my father was marrying "beneath himself" and spent 35 years grinding on my parents marriage until even my parents' faith could not sustain it. It leaves me with a strong conviction that love and not condemnation is always to be the hallmark of my relationship with my children's partners. When a very deep, trusting relationship blooms I may, as gently as I know how, encourage the idea that there might be an alternative action or perspective worth considering. But always my strongest and deepest longing is that all my family of birth, law and choice, know first and foremost that my strongest desire is for their well-being and the well-being of the children they share with me.

The situation of an incarcerated loved one is no less worthy of love, hope, encouragement and prayer, so I strongly suggest we start there. If we pray for our loved ones, those who are incarcerated and the broader family of blood, law and choice who have been affected by the incarceration, we can avoid a lot of regret. Encouraging our incarcerated loved one to pray for us can open a heart. Pray without ceasing with every decision to made, every word written or spoken. Keep praying.

There are a lot of practical matters to consider as we maintain our relationship with loved ones who are incarcerated. Here are some suggestions:

1. Find the website for the facility where your loved one is incarcerated. There will be Q&As or tabs that will provide specific rules about correspondence, gifts, commissary and visits. Check back often, particularly before visits since it is bad for everyone if you travel a long way and then find there is a reason you cannot visit. Even when you try to follow the rules it is easy to assume something or interpret something or miss something that causes delays in letters or approved items getting to the inmate or derails a visit. Expect it. Trust God will get things through according God's ideas of what is needed.  Don't waste time and energy with "shoulda's, coulda's, woulda's" especially when it comes to the prison and jail situation.

2. When corresponding, speaking or visiting an incarcerated loved one, it is a fine line between sharing honestly and emotional battery. That is where prayer can help so much so in avoiding the pitfalls of resentment, hopelessness, fear and anger which are particularly destructive when wrapped in self-righteous, judgmental sniping disguised as 'just wanting to help.' If you are struggling with this and need to have a serious talk about challenges ahead, I would encourage you to write it out, even if you expect to have a conversation, and work it over, pray over it to make it as clear, yet gentle as possible. If it is going to be particularly challenging you could even practice the conversation with a trustworthy person of maturity and judgement. I don't presume to assure that it will not still be difficult for the incarcerated person, but it will definitely help YOU. 

3. Don't tell lies or even "shade the truth." This does not mean exploring every tiny fear or wildly imagined possible bad outcome. With lots of time on their hands and humble jobs of work they can fret into a panic attack without any assistance. Instead speak of your trust that God will see you through, or speak of the plans you have for addressing the challenge. You will hang up the phone, walk away from the visit or lay the letter down and turn to many matters that are pressing or pleasing or soothing while your incarcerated loved one will be fighting the demons of frustration, guilt, hopelessness and the demands of the prison schedule. When they ask questions, give the most honest and kind answers you can.

4. Always remember that what you think just doesn't count for much when dealing with prisons. They see every form of foolishness, evil, creativity turned to danger, abuse, injury and death. When they say "don't send books" (as one facility in my personal experience did) you can bet their diligence may save YOUR loved one from injury from weapons in the spines or smuggled pornographic pictures or pages soaked in drugs hidden in books gifted to jails and prisons. Although your motives are pure and you are not doing that, if someone does that and it is your loved one that is injured or tempted or blamed....well I know you don't want that even though the rule bugs you.

Most of all, cover all communications and decisions in prayer. God loves you and is caring for you and your loved ones day and night year around.  God is trustworthy.
 

This is a topic fraught with many challenges. No one will tell you that prison food is pleasant in appearance, presentation, setting or flavor. When we have the opportunity to cook for inmates as part of ministry weekends, we are cautioned to go easy on the seasonings because prison food is nearly uniformly bland and too much seasoning can cause serious digestive problems among inmates. So most everyone who has family or friends asking how they might help are going to be asking for money in their commissary accounts.  Inmates who have no one who is willing to provide some sort of support can sometimes be identified within prison populations because they lack the long underwear that helps prisoners moving from building to building in bitter cold to better tolerate life in the single layer, year-around provided clothing. Their socks are often paper thin and they often have a look of someone who has long ago lost any expectation of kindness.

We learn of some prisoners who, with so little to give, live out the changes in their lives wrought by turning their lives over to Christ by sharing a precious snack or even part of their meal. Please don't go sharing that with your incarcerated loved one urging them to give it a try. It can be quite dangerous and such risky behaviors should not be coached by someone not "on site" and who can not possibly understand the nuances and applicable facility policies affecting such choices. But we do need to understand that not all commissary nagging is just bored people with a bland diet wanting a little somethin' somethin'.  But, then again, sometimes it is about boredom and getting a little reassurance that they are still important to someone in the free world. And sometimes it is continued manipulative behavior

It is like so many other issues for those of us who want to do the right thing and have an exceedingly difficult time knowing what that might be.

Here are some things I do believe:

a.   Don't send money to a commissary account that is needed to pay rent, mortgage, utilities, food, savings for emergencies, car maintenance, health care, etc. In other words, meet your needs and the needs of those you care for before sending money to commissary accounts.
b.   Don't brag to someone behind bars about buying a snazzy new car, concert tickets, vacations...you get what I mean. Mention what you are doing, but let the person who is incarcerated ask questions to learn how much they want to hear.  If they have been away a long time and have the perspective to be glad that someone they love has a happy experience, they might find it comforting.  For someone just getting adjusted it may feel cruel.
c.  If you do not plan to be sending money to the commissary account just say it is not in the budget for you at this time. Don't expound on all your expenses or drone on about the miserable life you have, especially if part of your challenges are exacerbated by expenses related to the incarceration. If it becomes necessary to make this point, do it ever so gently. After all, they live with the situation 24-7.
d.  Many times the best response is a soft, "I'm doing the best I can."  Do not tolerate abusive behavior from your incarcerated loved one. If the incarcerated person can not master an abuse-free conversation when they are incarcerated, this is NOT going to be magically better if they are released. The kindest thing is to get help of yourself if this is a problem.
e. Talk all this over with God. The line is never busy, unattended or service turned off. God cares passionately about you and every challenge you face and has wisdom and strength available for the asking.