Here it is: I need to back off, stand down and stop cold when I find myself spending more energy, time, passion, money and focus on "fixing" a problem than the person WITH the problem.
I wish I had heard that much sooner, but then, maybe I did and just wasn't ready to hear.
For me discerning when my help is really butting in has been a long and painful journey. And I still don't always do a great job on this. It is fear, I think, and a sense of not wanting to watch the 18-wheeler flatten someone I love because I don't want the pain of having to watch. And, frankly, I don't like it when old attitudes make even brief appearances and push old hot buttons.
But, guess what. If I truly, deeply and honestly want what is best for another (and I have had many, many lessons proving I can't provide that no matter how pushy, manipulative, angry or panicky I get) then I need to get out of the way and remember that God's relationship with my child is NOT mine to manage. The state of the human condition pretty much leads most of us to learn lessons for ourselves. And the more the I delay the process, the bigger the problem grows and the more painful for my loved one.
So, as scary and painful as it is, do not beat yourself up for letting your loved one step up for themselves. The habit says it is wrong, but the results will be right. I can't guarantee your loved one will get it together, but even if it all goes south, you will be better able to pick up the pieces for yourself, your grandchildren and others affected by the crash. And in your heart you know you are not in charge of another's life.
That is between them and their God.