When my child is sick or struggling one of the things that is hardwired, "save child at all costs," wars with figuring out when I'm not actually helping. It was not that I grew up with no boundaries, it was just that my parents, good people both, came from families with such stunningly diverse ideas about how one helped one's child. One side believed a parent was given only about two decades to instill all the skills and strong values needed to be contributing members of society and from there on in they were expected to be contributing adults in the larger extended family of blood, community and choice. The other side had a hard time with the concept of allowing the baby bird to leave the nest--ever.
As we watch a beloved child struggle with issues of self-medication and/or incarceration the war can become a holocaust of inappropriate guilt, limited resources, confusion, fear, and conflicting advice and demands. How do we know what to do? How do we know what not to do?
For me, the answers came very slowly as God's love shined into my confusion and as I listened to the people God sent to present new ideas to me. Please don't confuse this with letting every voice entice us to a different strategy or focus like a spinning top. What I mean is that God sent me people whose lives showed me a quiet confidence, a willingness to share hope, faith and experience, a soothing, non-judgmental kindness that was balm to my troubled soul.
I came to understand that worrying my self into a tizzy, spending what I did not have, being so overwhelmed with my own fears and frustration that I was less available to my larger family was really very selfish because it assumed I could fix something clearly not under my authority. When my ego got out of the way I remembered my mother saying so gently, "God does not have grandchildren." Truly God loves my child more and better than I do and God has an infinite capacity to be all my child needs and, much as I did not want to acknowledge this, GOD DID NOT NEED MY HELP!
But I do need God's help every day. Thankfully this verse reminds me of God's utter capacity and willingness to meet my needs: "Aren’t five sparrows sold for two small coins? Yet not one of them is overlooked by God." Luke 12:6 (CEB)
What a joyous release it was to realize I was not in charge!
As we watch a beloved child struggle with issues of self-medication and/or incarceration the war can become a holocaust of inappropriate guilt, limited resources, confusion, fear, and conflicting advice and demands. How do we know what to do? How do we know what not to do?
For me, the answers came very slowly as God's love shined into my confusion and as I listened to the people God sent to present new ideas to me. Please don't confuse this with letting every voice entice us to a different strategy or focus like a spinning top. What I mean is that God sent me people whose lives showed me a quiet confidence, a willingness to share hope, faith and experience, a soothing, non-judgmental kindness that was balm to my troubled soul.
I came to understand that worrying my self into a tizzy, spending what I did not have, being so overwhelmed with my own fears and frustration that I was less available to my larger family was really very selfish because it assumed I could fix something clearly not under my authority. When my ego got out of the way I remembered my mother saying so gently, "God does not have grandchildren." Truly God loves my child more and better than I do and God has an infinite capacity to be all my child needs and, much as I did not want to acknowledge this, GOD DID NOT NEED MY HELP!
But I do need God's help every day. Thankfully this verse reminds me of God's utter capacity and willingness to meet my needs: "Aren’t five sparrows sold for two small coins? Yet not one of them is overlooked by God." Luke 12:6 (CEB)
What a joyous release it was to realize I was not in charge!
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