We wound each other so deeply sometimes...broken families, broken friendships, broken church families, hostile work environments and school bullies. I've experienced all that and I found a sad kind of comfort in holding on to my anger and demands for reparations and reminding myself often and with excruciating detail how awful it all is. Until finally the exhaustion catches up and, finally I'm ready to ask God to help me.
Then I have to start considering how to go forward. Is there some way to stay safe from future hurts? Although we all want to burrow into a dark, warm place to lick our wounds and build protective walls, I found that to be a very painful response that requires me to backtrack over a lot of rocky terrain trying to find my way back to ground zero before I can even begin to move on. In our rush to be "safe" we do an incredible amount of damage to ourselves.
Then I have to consider what I want to happen: Treat it like a death where I can reach a point where I can enjoy some good memories without risking new pain? Pretend it never happened, possibly confusing the person I am unhappy with because they don't realize I have cause to be mistrusting? Become a social gypsy where I keep friendships and family relationships light and bolt at the first sign of challenge? Rebuild the relationship on a new, sounder foundation?
How might I go about approaching a reconciliation? Can I identify how I might have handled things differently even in some small way? Can I calmly express my feelings about this? (A trusted mentor or counselor can help.) Can I imagine things that might have contributed to the problem? Should this be offered via a hand-written note, or a phone call or over lunch?
I would mention this: sometimes I have been hurt and the other party was sufficiently clueless, self-focused, overwhelmed with their own baggage or just not that into me to make any kind of reconciliation either unrealistic or unsafe. But I have benefited from going thru the process up-to, but stopping before, making any contact. Also, to the extent you can avoid "conversations I want to have" twirling through you head, do so: the other person does not have the script and so it really can confuse the issues.
Oh, God of second chances, You have forgiven me when I have offended against Your Laws, treated Your other children with disdain or even hostility, and treated myself badly. Help me to grow the spirit of forgiveness into my life using the mirror of Your love and forgiveness for me as a map and ruler, and with the help of Your Holy Spirit. AMEN
Then I have to start considering how to go forward. Is there some way to stay safe from future hurts? Although we all want to burrow into a dark, warm place to lick our wounds and build protective walls, I found that to be a very painful response that requires me to backtrack over a lot of rocky terrain trying to find my way back to ground zero before I can even begin to move on. In our rush to be "safe" we do an incredible amount of damage to ourselves.
Then I have to consider what I want to happen: Treat it like a death where I can reach a point where I can enjoy some good memories without risking new pain? Pretend it never happened, possibly confusing the person I am unhappy with because they don't realize I have cause to be mistrusting? Become a social gypsy where I keep friendships and family relationships light and bolt at the first sign of challenge? Rebuild the relationship on a new, sounder foundation?
How might I go about approaching a reconciliation? Can I identify how I might have handled things differently even in some small way? Can I calmly express my feelings about this? (A trusted mentor or counselor can help.) Can I imagine things that might have contributed to the problem? Should this be offered via a hand-written note, or a phone call or over lunch?
I would mention this: sometimes I have been hurt and the other party was sufficiently clueless, self-focused, overwhelmed with their own baggage or just not that into me to make any kind of reconciliation either unrealistic or unsafe. But I have benefited from going thru the process up-to, but stopping before, making any contact. Also, to the extent you can avoid "conversations I want to have" twirling through you head, do so: the other person does not have the script and so it really can confuse the issues.
Oh, God of second chances, You have forgiven me when I have offended against Your Laws, treated Your other children with disdain or even hostility, and treated myself badly. Help me to grow the spirit of forgiveness into my life using the mirror of Your love and forgiveness for me as a map and ruler, and with the help of Your Holy Spirit. AMEN
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