We may often hear that we forgive for ourselves because it releases us from the person who harmed us. I understand that. I truly do not want to give angry, passive-aggressive, narcissistic people any of my resources in time, thought, money, etc.; nor do I want to fertilize feelings of self-doubt, selfishness, anger, disrespect and frustration by replaying the same tapes in my head. It is painful and unproductive.
So finding a healthy distance from harmful places and thoughts is, in my view, a worthwhile and life-conserving process. It allows us to develop space to learn what we can from the horrible experience. What did I miss that left me vulnerable to this wrong? If I keep having problems, is my man-picker or my friend-picker broken, or am I otherwise in need of a new perspective? Are my expectations of the potential for perfection in myself or others realistic?
Once I have wrung any obvious healthy lessons from the experience, I am ready to ease on down the road, folding the valuable lessons into my life and letting go of all the negative detritus. Whether I am willing or even should attempt to rebuilt the relationship can be considered at this point, or at some point further down the line when the wounds have stopped oozing.
And the issues may arise again because few of us can process a significant sorrow and sense of betrayal in a single afternoon of positive thinking. But we can intentionally choose to not replay the pain, wallow in the injustice of it all and give time and energy to something so damaging to our own peace of mind, energy and capacity to do the good that we want to do.
How can I tell I am making progress? When I'm not reluctant or halfhearted in praying for the other party, then I know God has done a good work in me. When I am freed to offer unfettered blessings for the person who caused or exacerbated my pain, then I am truly free. As long as there is a hook of resentment, self-righteousness or anger, the wound can fester and again drag me into a quagmire of unhappiness.
Being free from all that does not mean that we declare the other person without error. It means we leave the judging to God who knows all, sees all, understands what I cannot, and has all power over all. God is trustworthy in this, as in all else.
So finding a healthy distance from harmful places and thoughts is, in my view, a worthwhile and life-conserving process. It allows us to develop space to learn what we can from the horrible experience. What did I miss that left me vulnerable to this wrong? If I keep having problems, is my man-picker or my friend-picker broken, or am I otherwise in need of a new perspective? Are my expectations of the potential for perfection in myself or others realistic?
Once I have wrung any obvious healthy lessons from the experience, I am ready to ease on down the road, folding the valuable lessons into my life and letting go of all the negative detritus. Whether I am willing or even should attempt to rebuilt the relationship can be considered at this point, or at some point further down the line when the wounds have stopped oozing.
And the issues may arise again because few of us can process a significant sorrow and sense of betrayal in a single afternoon of positive thinking. But we can intentionally choose to not replay the pain, wallow in the injustice of it all and give time and energy to something so damaging to our own peace of mind, energy and capacity to do the good that we want to do.
How can I tell I am making progress? When I'm not reluctant or halfhearted in praying for the other party, then I know God has done a good work in me. When I am freed to offer unfettered blessings for the person who caused or exacerbated my pain, then I am truly free. As long as there is a hook of resentment, self-righteousness or anger, the wound can fester and again drag me into a quagmire of unhappiness.
Being free from all that does not mean that we declare the other person without error. It means we leave the judging to God who knows all, sees all, understands what I cannot, and has all power over all. God is trustworthy in this, as in all else.
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