When my son began having legal problems I was hundreds of miles away. The immediate focus was on how to get him help, but, looking back, I had a wrong set of priorities and it cost us all. I wish I had been more focused on his brokenness that caused and exacerbated the problems and less on "fixing things" for him; more focused on my own brokenness, over which I have authority. Because he was not ready to address his brokenness, I have no reason to believe the legal outcomes would have been different, but the damage to those who love him might have been different.
It is hard, when someone you love is spinning out of control and you see the brick wall coming up fast. But eventually I learned that I was not in control and if I had been, I would not have been wise about what needed to happen. I only knew what I wanted to happen...MAKE IT ALL OK!
But it was not OK before the legal problems started and, looking back, without the legal problems the other problems might have killed him. I understand that MY way of helping might have caused his death.
Eventually I understood that we had very different and separate journeys into this nightmare and I could not learn for him, grow for him or "fix life" for him. I came to understand that God traveled with us both on our separate journeys. I came to realize that God loves us more than we can ever love each other. I have come to trust God in new ways. Truly I can not "help" my son in the way he needs to be helped. And because I found God so faithful in tending me on my own journey.
This morning reading the New Revised Standard Version translation of Psalm 118:13 took me back to that time in an instant: “I was pushed hard, so that I was falling, but the Lord helped me.” I wish I had noticed or found or understood this verse earlier, because it so wholly speaks to the experience of having a child with problems outside of our control. But then, all of the big ones are. But it is not too late to make it my new favorite verse.
God of Love, God of Hope, God of Healing, thank You for loving my child as much as You love me, caring tenderly for my child and for me, healing my child and me. Help me to surrender fully to you my child's care and my own, solidly grounded in trust in You, and resting in Your peace, AMEN
It is hard, when someone you love is spinning out of control and you see the brick wall coming up fast. But eventually I learned that I was not in control and if I had been, I would not have been wise about what needed to happen. I only knew what I wanted to happen...MAKE IT ALL OK!
But it was not OK before the legal problems started and, looking back, without the legal problems the other problems might have killed him. I understand that MY way of helping might have caused his death.
Eventually I understood that we had very different and separate journeys into this nightmare and I could not learn for him, grow for him or "fix life" for him. I came to understand that God traveled with us both on our separate journeys. I came to realize that God loves us more than we can ever love each other. I have come to trust God in new ways. Truly I can not "help" my son in the way he needs to be helped. And because I found God so faithful in tending me on my own journey.
This morning reading the New Revised Standard Version translation of Psalm 118:13 took me back to that time in an instant: “I was pushed hard, so that I was falling, but the Lord helped me.” I wish I had noticed or found or understood this verse earlier, because it so wholly speaks to the experience of having a child with problems outside of our control. But then, all of the big ones are. But it is not too late to make it my new favorite verse.
God of Love, God of Hope, God of Healing, thank You for loving my child as much as You love me, caring tenderly for my child and for me, healing my child and me. Help me to surrender fully to you my child's care and my own, solidly grounded in trust in You, and resting in Your peace, AMEN
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