Life is just complicated and seems to get more so with every new advance. Doctors have never been very efficient about considering the role of nutrition and life-style in health and now the number of pharmaceuticals and prosthesis and surgical options make keeping "on top of things" even more complicated. Firemen face fires where new chemicals may be stored or a meth lab be tucked into a back room and that makes fighting fires frustrating and dangerous in new ways. We would like to help our children with their homework, but the latest educational fad makes that challenging.
So I think it is only sensible to believe that when things are challenging between family members or friends or neighbors or even strangers, we have all probably contributed something to the problem. When we get stuck in a victim mode we get all blustery and angry because we are afraid. We don't understand how it all happened. We are afraid we will be hurt again. We are not wholly sure if we are unreasonable or if the other "side" is, but it sure feels like somebody is.
And sometimes it is pretty clear that there is a primary problem that we can mostly agree is at the center of the storm.
But as things calm down, it is worthwhile to revisit the sequence of activities that led to the damage and search for lessons, acknowledging where we personally might have added to the chaos or missed a chance to put out the fire. Things we say when scared and upset can make things worse. Observing warning signs and walking away or speaking softly to diffuse tension is a skill we develop as we mature. Reserving the need to "protect and defend" to the response of last resort has saved many lives. Learning it is impossible to have a conversation with someone who is drunk is truly a life saver. Two drunks yelling is always a bad idea.
But even in smaller situations where only feelings are hurt and relationships damaged, we still can usually find something we might have done differently if we had understood the situation better. Was the person who spoke the pain actually ill or in great emotional pain themselves? Did we let someone else stir the pot for their own purposes? Did we let our own fears and pain color our response in ways we later regret?
It is important to consider these matters, not only for our own well-being, but because this can be the perfect opening in moving toward some healing. "Bob, I'm sorry for some of the things I said. We may disagree on this, but I still love you and want you to be a part of my life...family...team...troop."
So, if you miss a relationship, a family member at the table, a church friend, laughing with a neighbor, maybe...just maybe, you can use what you learned in revisiting the pain to gently nudge the door open a bit.
So I think it is only sensible to believe that when things are challenging between family members or friends or neighbors or even strangers, we have all probably contributed something to the problem. When we get stuck in a victim mode we get all blustery and angry because we are afraid. We don't understand how it all happened. We are afraid we will be hurt again. We are not wholly sure if we are unreasonable or if the other "side" is, but it sure feels like somebody is.
And sometimes it is pretty clear that there is a primary problem that we can mostly agree is at the center of the storm.
But as things calm down, it is worthwhile to revisit the sequence of activities that led to the damage and search for lessons, acknowledging where we personally might have added to the chaos or missed a chance to put out the fire. Things we say when scared and upset can make things worse. Observing warning signs and walking away or speaking softly to diffuse tension is a skill we develop as we mature. Reserving the need to "protect and defend" to the response of last resort has saved many lives. Learning it is impossible to have a conversation with someone who is drunk is truly a life saver. Two drunks yelling is always a bad idea.
But even in smaller situations where only feelings are hurt and relationships damaged, we still can usually find something we might have done differently if we had understood the situation better. Was the person who spoke the pain actually ill or in great emotional pain themselves? Did we let someone else stir the pot for their own purposes? Did we let our own fears and pain color our response in ways we later regret?
It is important to consider these matters, not only for our own well-being, but because this can be the perfect opening in moving toward some healing. "Bob, I'm sorry for some of the things I said. We may disagree on this, but I still love you and want you to be a part of my life...family...team...troop."
So, if you miss a relationship, a family member at the table, a church friend, laughing with a neighbor, maybe...just maybe, you can use what you learned in revisiting the pain to gently nudge the door open a bit.
RSS Feed
